Computer Hate

So I had just typed up this brilliant post, or at least I thought it was, and since I hadn't typed anything onto my blogpage for a while when I went to hit publish, the computer went to the sign on page and I lost my entire blog!! Not that it was a long post but arrrgggggggg...................... this is why I HATE COMPUTERS. Maybe they secretly know I hate them and do shit just to piss me off!!! That's right computers I HATE YOU!!!!
Anyway my original blog was about how I had seen Julie&Julia and how I could relate because I am turning 30 next year and I feel lost. I have no idea what my 5 year plan is. Maybe I should take up a new project and set a deadline and then I'll have something to work towards. ugh, I don't know. Why can't my life just be Hollywood film where things just happen and work out. I just want to sit back and watch life happen. Maybe that's my problem because isn't there a saying that suggests to do the opposite of that?
All I know is that I have no plan. I have no plans for my future, I have no idea if I should be a unsuccessful actress anymore or if I should just quit life and join the fucking circus!!
READ THE POST BELOW - THAT'S NOT THE BRILLIANT PART

Some of the original post

I saw Julie&Julia last night since I felt too ill to make it out to the movie theatre. Ugh finally getting well, slowly I might add. It was a cute movie and one I could easily relate to. I'm 29 and next year I'll be 30 and there's definately a crisis happening here. I just don't know what path I'm on and where I want to go. Every direction seems so clouded and difficult. I wish there were a clear signal pointing to the direction that would best suit me. You know one of those neon signs with a finger pointing in one direction. Life would be so much easier and brighter I might add;)

The wall is almost done!

Not a Memo or Mission Statement

This is like a Jerry McGuire moment where he wakes up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night and writes out a whole memo - I mean mission statement. Except it's early morning and I'm not inspired to write a long life memo; however, I do feel like I need to define what I want out of life. The looming question is what do I want my life to mean? what do I want people to say at my funeral or does that even matter to me? I guess being known as a kind and loving soul is enough and for those whom I did touch or inspire, would have reaped the benefits, so I don't need to live my life for praise and credit posthumously. Maybe what I want is a little bit of everything: acting, reporting, engaging in philanthropic work...where's the clarity here? It's 5:23am on Wednesday morning and my eyes are droopy with sleep but my mind is buzzing with endless questions. Perhaps what matters most is to follow my heart. I've claimed to have done so so far in my life but does that equal happiness? But then again have I been searching for happiness all this time or a quantitative measure of what it takes to achieve happiness? Hmmm.....oh the questions.
India...a little street girl playing in a dangerous construction site but with a big smile on her face...crying street babies with not so much as a few drops a water a day...a severely malnourished cow roaming the streets because unfortunately for him, he's considered sacred and therefore won't be put out of his misery. The gesture of a few crackers to some street kids and in return I get a feeling of wholeness. Maybe that's the answer???

Crossroads

Which path to take? One has a definite clear route and maps out the next 7-10 years of my life. The other...it's not so clear. It's the path that I'm currently on. However, if I don't choose path #1, I can't carry on the way I have been. That at least is for sure. All I know is that something must change.
What ever happened to simplicity?

What it can do

It's strange how time, perception and frame of mind can really change your vision...
what to make of where I am...I guess I don't make much of it because if I did I wouldn't be here pondering this question.
If I were a colour, like if I was assigned a colour, I think I am a green. A mix of dark and light. Sometimes the shade veers towards the forest shade and at other times it's the colour of fresh leaves.

Love

Have I ever been in love? I don't know. Maybe I mean I thought I was at one point but is it love if you can fall out of it? sometimes I feel like the questions are endless like streaming in like a waterfall, it's hard to keep track. I have so many questions about life, my life, my vision, my dreams, my purpose. Is there a definite answer or will there always just be wondering?? Perhaps all these questions will lead to somewhere or they will lead nowhere and just spin around like a merigoround.