AM I BACK? SURE...FOR NOW

Who am I? What is my thing? What's my background? What's my plan?
Questions I face these days and ones I don't know how to answer. I wanted to write something eloquent and well thought out about my experience and being back but if there's one thing I know it's that shit don't always go as we planned. Figuratively and literally.
Self expression is most honest when it doesn't ask for permission and just flows out of you because it has to, not when you're sitting in a beautiful coffee shop sipping a Starbucks but when you're leaning over a cold grey granite counter, elbows beginning to hurt.

I've been back in Ottawa for almost 5 months after being away overseas for about 5 years. Four of those years were spent living in an ashram in the northern part of India by the Ganga river (that's what us Punjabis call it). I should be in a different state, I should be all zen and at peace and radiating joy all the time.

I thought I'd be strong enough to handle the change in pace going from a quiet and simple life to one that is all about 'showing' yourself to the world. I don't know how to do that. Gosh if anything, I sort of feel like the ashram impaired me from knowing how to be in this technology crazed, social media obsessed, consumption overloading, goal oriented society. I sound bitter. I don't want to be.
But it's me. It's not the ashram - the beautiful, peaceful, place I still call home that is at fault. It's me. But am I even at fault?

Why can't I just wake up and be overjoyed and stay in the present and truly understand, actually not understand but REALIZE (not using the mind) that the NOW is all there is and I'm consciousness not a little person, as Eckhart Tolle teaches us. Why am I not fully awake? Why are some negative perspectives so fucking hard to get rid of? At times I feel grown, open, receptive to life and in the flow and then there are times I go right back to the little Puja who left Ottawa in 2011.

I text with my Russian friend today and I understand I'm not alone. We're all going through our own shit. Two steps forward, one back and we look up and wonder what for.
Who are we competing against? Who are we trying to show our life to? Who are we doing it for? Why all the effort? I say fuck it.

Maybe I don't need goals, I don't need to know what I want, maybe I don't need to understand the mystery of life, maybe I can just be the way I am without fully understanding what that is. Maybe I can live a life without burdening myself with guilt for not doing more, being more, being more 'spiritual' (what that entails, I still don't know). Maybe I can just be.

Wars rage on, on the other side of the world and my heart goes out to the victims of such atrocities as I skim over headlines wanting to avoid the reality. I don't know how I can help. It's not about me though. I need to do what I need to do in the life I'm leading right now. I doubt but mostly I trust life to let her work through me so I know what I need to do, what I need to be, to be a part of the awakening, the healing.

Today I will work on Love. I will not act out of fear, anger, sadness. I will love fully or at least try.
And if that's the only thing I took away from my time at the ashram, then so be it.

Maybe next time someone asks what my plan is or what I'm doing I'll just say 'I'm a perfect expression of the universe trying to know itself through the means of this body.' And who said I wasn't spiritual;)

MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT DEPRESSION - A TOP 10 LIST

If you've ever had or are currently dealing with depression you'll relate to the following and if you know someone who is then you really should read this.


1.  Just because I have a mental illness doesn't mean I'm now 5 years old. I can still read the tone in your voice as you ask me if I'm up-to-date on emails. That 'look' you give me when you see me working, as if I'm a maniac about to blow up any second. If you feel the need to treat me 'special' or see me any different than when you didn't know I had depression, just remember your actions are being felt and it's extremely patronizing which of course doesn't help. But I'll survive. I have till now.

2.  Just because my brain is foggy doesn't mean I don't know what I'm doing. Yes I may forget stuff and am having a hard time concentrating but I know what needs to get done and I'm trying my best to do it. Your assumption that i'm now physically challenged isn't helping. But I'll survive. I have till now.

3.  Just because I feel like I'm carrying a 1000 pound weight on my shoulder and am about to collapse at any moment doesn't mean I can't listen to your problems. In fact it can be a relief to get out of my own mind for a while and focus on you. I still have a heart and can offer advice and empathy. Last I checked I was a human just like you.

4.  Just because I have an illness you know nothing about doesn't mean it's contagious. Maybe that look you give me is actually one of fear and seeing me is a reflection of the darkness within you so you walk away because you would rather not deal but walking away from me can feel like a thousand daggers to the heart. But i'll survive. I have till now.

5.  Just because I have depression doesn't mean you have to walk on egg shells around me. Yes I may be a sensitive person and situations gets construed in my mind as negative but that doesn't mean I'm about to scream and yell or slit my wrists if you're not overly polite and gentle with me. I'm a person, not a fragile bird. In fact if you speak the truth it can be a huge relief. I'll survive. I have till now.

6.  Just because you've been around people who have had depression, doesn't make you an expert on the illness. Everyone's depression affects them differently and what works for one person may not for the next. You can't really know depression unless you've been in that dark hole yourself. It's like saying you're an expert on all the qualities of honey; consistency, molecular make-up, smell, but you don't know honey until you've tasted it.

7.  Just because I can't articulate what I'm going through doesn't mean I'm making it all up. All you may see and understand is that my thoughts are negative but it's so much more than that. It's a real illness and because it's not so easy to detect and the causes for it can be so vast and varied,  unfortunately it's not taken seriously a lot of the times. But I'll survive. I have till now.

8.  Just because I say I'm fine and push you away doesn't mean I don't need a hug. Sometimes that's all I need but keep your pity aside please. Just a human to human 'it's going to be okay' hug will do. But if you don't, I'll survive. I have till now.

9.  Just because you find it hard to be around me doesn't mean it's easy for me to be around myself. In fact whatever you're feeling and thinking about me, multiply that by a hundred and that's likely what I'm feeling and thinking about myself. I already feel worthless so knowing you can't 'handle' me makes it all the worse. But I'll survive. I have till now.

10.  Just because I've grown with this depression for years doesn't mean I'm superhuman now and can just bounce right back.  The worst part is the guilt that comes with knowing that happiness is a choice and knowing my life is in my control yet feeling completely out of control. Knowing that I am more than my mind makes me feel even worse when depression does take its hold of me because I should know better right? I may just be more confused than you about how it's possible depression can affect such a usually positive person like myself.

But it's all good because I know this too shall pass and so I pick myself back up everyday because I know if I don't no one will and because if I give in now, depression would have won along with all those misconceptions about it. Despite what everyone says, we are fighters, warriors in fact. The fight we fight is very much alone, quietly in our own minds & hearts and the battle wounds are buried deep within. But we'll survive. We have till now.