Puja is just a habit. I mean who I know myself to be is really just a habit. A habit, as defined by Wikipedia is 'a routine of behavior that is repeated regularly and tends to occur subconsciously. '
My behaviour, my likes, dislikes, my values, morals, ideas, beliefs are all just habitual patterns that have cemented in my brain and in my mind over the last 39 years.
Tonight, tired and zoning out, I look at the rug in front of me and I notice that I didn't know what colour it is. Is it navy, grey, teal? This little piece of soft rug I have stood on day in, day out, is foreign to me for a few seconds. And then I wonder 'what if I forgot colours?' What if I didn't know something so basic anymore. And then what if I forgot the names of common objects? We do forget the names of common items sometimes don't we? Like the name of a tree, a certain flower or animal.
We forget the names of things we don't encounter everyday. The things we don't have a habit of repeating and familiarizing ourselves with daily. It happens sometimes doesn't it? It's just information that's been passed down. You're a couple of years old and point to an object and are told it's name; bottle, spoon, ball. It's all just repetition.
So I wonder what if I forgot? What if I forgot the world around me? And what if I also forgot my name and age and my race and my culture? And then what if I forgot myself? That part of myself which I call me - the voice in my head with it's constant dialogue that gives rise to emotions and thoughts. The self that says 'I need to loose the muffin top'; 'I wish I could act like that. I'm not confident enough to get roles like that.' - That self. What if I forgot my deep seated beliefs and those repetitive voices? What if, inside, I was silent. I was no one. Like being dead but the body being alive. Who would I be if the habit of Puja was no longer?
The habit of 'me' is so strong. It's the default. Everytime a new situation arises I go back to default and that default is 'being the victim'. Comparing and then judging myself and feeling small and not enough. I wanna break this habit.
Puja in my heart - who is she
Puja now is different to who puja used to be. Will the real Puja please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?
If 3 year old Puja was left alone and not taught anything who would she be? Soft, sensitive, caring, loving.
Puja in my heart is an optimist. She is understanding. She loves animals and children.
Funny thing is the only times I can remember being really happy and me was before the age of about 10 and the first two years at the ashram. I can't remember who I was when I was young but I remember me at the ashram. I felt free.
My behaviour, my likes, dislikes, my values, morals, ideas, beliefs are all just habitual patterns that have cemented in my brain and in my mind over the last 39 years.
Tonight, tired and zoning out, I look at the rug in front of me and I notice that I didn't know what colour it is. Is it navy, grey, teal? This little piece of soft rug I have stood on day in, day out, is foreign to me for a few seconds. And then I wonder 'what if I forgot colours?' What if I didn't know something so basic anymore. And then what if I forgot the names of common objects? We do forget the names of common items sometimes don't we? Like the name of a tree, a certain flower or animal.
We forget the names of things we don't encounter everyday. The things we don't have a habit of repeating and familiarizing ourselves with daily. It happens sometimes doesn't it? It's just information that's been passed down. You're a couple of years old and point to an object and are told it's name; bottle, spoon, ball. It's all just repetition.
So I wonder what if I forgot? What if I forgot the world around me? And what if I also forgot my name and age and my race and my culture? And then what if I forgot myself? That part of myself which I call me - the voice in my head with it's constant dialogue that gives rise to emotions and thoughts. The self that says 'I need to loose the muffin top'; 'I wish I could act like that. I'm not confident enough to get roles like that.' - That self. What if I forgot my deep seated beliefs and those repetitive voices? What if, inside, I was silent. I was no one. Like being dead but the body being alive. Who would I be if the habit of Puja was no longer?
The habit of 'me' is so strong. It's the default. Everytime a new situation arises I go back to default and that default is 'being the victim'. Comparing and then judging myself and feeling small and not enough. I wanna break this habit.
Puja in my heart - who is she
Puja now is different to who puja used to be. Will the real Puja please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?
If 3 year old Puja was left alone and not taught anything who would she be? Soft, sensitive, caring, loving.
Puja in my heart is an optimist. She is understanding. She loves animals and children.
Funny thing is the only times I can remember being really happy and me was before the age of about 10 and the first two years at the ashram. I can't remember who I was when I was young but I remember me at the ashram. I felt free.
