My 3 year plan

In theory 3 years is not a really long time but when you break it down into months and weeks you really begin to appreciate the power of a day. Ok so let's start from Jan 2010 and go to the end of 2012.

2010: ....... fill in later
2011: .......fill in later
2012: .......fill in later

......not a good sign Puja, not a good sign at all!!!!!!

I think I'm getting better at this :)

It's only been what three days and I'm back here writing! Good for me :)
I haven't worked on the palm trees yet but I started this design on my wall by my door and it's got a quote by Anais Nin. I'm almost done painting it. My parents are gonna see my place and go "Where did we go wrong with this child?"

I don't know about this whole blog thing....

So it's been a month since my last posting, ok so not a month exactly, and I'm beginning to wonder why I even have a blog. I mean I hardly post anything. Anyway the beach is almost done, just the palm trees left and that's the hardest part. I've been so busy with work this week I haven't had a chance to work on the wall but I'm really grateful for the extra shifts. I NEED the money.
How long am I going to do this for? You know the whole living on basics because I'm pursuing my acting dream? It's frustrating when I see others out there who are getting casted when I KNOW my acting is better than theirs! Is there room for me in this acting world? What is it about me that is not castable? Arg....How long do I do this for? Until I'm old and wrinkly? Hmmmmmmmmmm........Anyone have an answer?????? Hello? Anyone even out there??????? God?????? hehehe

My little paradise

So I am painting a beautiful beach with palm trees on my wall. It is absolutely fantastic. I figure, I can't afford to go to a wonderful hot island so why not bring the beach to me:) I can't wait till it's done and I can wake up every morning to a beautiful setting. I gotta do more stuff like this. Enjoy the arts without trying to make it so perfect. I'm painting and although I'm sure it looks really amateur, who the hell cares!!

Self-Love

Where does self love begin? According to John welwood (mentioned in previous blog) it begins with awareness of your longing for love from the 'outside'. I have always thought I was born without the gene that connects you to self love but now I realize I was born just like everyone else. What happened is that slowly my self worth began chipping away and I don't know exactly why. I remember always trying. Trying to be better like her, try to do it like her, try to look like her, try to act like her and maybe you'll finally be enough. I never felt enough just as I was. Not enough to be really wanted, really liked, really loved. I've been running away from anything that makes me who I am because if I get far enough away from my core and if I keep trying to be better, I'll be happy. I've been travelling in the wrong direction this whole time. Instead of connecting to my own heart and uniqueness, I've been trying to connect to the outside. Trying to connect with exercising, eating right, reading books to make myself more intelligent, meditation, people...I am not doing the thing I need to most which is connect with ME. How do I do this??
When I close my eyes and feel what I long for, it's a feeling of wanting to feel like I am enough and without this feeling it's like there's this big empty cavity in the middle of my heart. And this is what I've tried to fill with things and people from the outside. So now what? After this realization? How do I begin feeling enough? Giving myself the love that I am looking for others to provide? How do I love myself ??????

Not good at blogging

seriously I am not much of blogger but yet I have a blog. Why do we feel the need to share to the world our deepest and most inner thoughts? I mean why on facebook do we all feel the need to update our status. I mean who gives a shit? I don't know. Maybe someone gives a shit or we are so desperately hoping someone gives a shit. I fall into that category. I am desperately searching for someone to give a shit. Hoping someone will contact me and say 'Wow you're an amazing human.' Why can I not feel that on my own? I am trying though. Must give myself credit for trying. I'm half way through yet another self-help book called Perfect Love;Imperfect Relationships by John Welwood. It's all about loving yourself. I guess I gotta do the exercises before I start loving myself. However I am in a much better position now than I was years ago, actually even last year. I am not gonna let the darkness eat me up again. Nope, never again.