I CHEATED...TWICE

Written on May 22nd

So I skipped out on yoga the day before yesterday and today but I swear I had a really good reason. Me and a Colombian actress, Ana Maria Arango a TV actress who's kinda famous in her home town of Bogota for her reoccurring role in a TV series, are putting on a short play. The Fashion of Spirituality runs about 40 minutes and is about how the idea of spirituality has become the next big thing to invest in. As I'm sure everyone has noticed, people are willing to dish out hundreds of dollars on anything that gets them closer to a 'spiritual' lifestyle - which I seriously don't even know what that would look like and I think if you call your way of living spiritual then there's a good chance it's not. Maybe I'm being a little too harsh but I personally think it's silly when someone spends anywhere close to $100 on yoga pants. Let me assure you - and this coming from someone who has seen all sorts of people doing asanas daily over the last 2 years here at the ashram including the instructors - you do not need specially designed lycra or spandex pants to do downward dog.  Anyhow this is the theme of our play which we'll be putting on tonight. Gosh I haven't acted since Les Femme Fatales in the summer of 2011 just before I took off for Cambodia. Excited!

It's been super fun rehearsing and so the reason I missed yoga the one time was because our rehearsal went a bit long and with the temperature in the 40s I was already sweaty from walking around stage so there was no way I was about to begin intensive stretching when I was already pooped. Yesterday I missed yoga because while I was doing laundry I accidentally almost stepped on what looks like a bee on cocaine (a yellow orangey type freaky thing with a killer bite) and I'm totally not over exaggerating when I say I don't think I've ever felt that kind of pain. I thought I had sliced my foot in half. The pain was excruciating, so much so that shamefully I shed some tears and that too in front of Swamiji. A little embarrassing. But seriously I'm not joking about the pain. So that's why I had to miss yoga but I made up for it today by doing both the morning and afternoon class. I'm also planning on going over my 30 days just by a few for the missed sessions. So, I consider myself still on this challenge even if I've bent the rules more than once. Rules are totally meant to be broken so whatever;)

Ana Maria plays my mother. This is us attempting to meditate

 

2 WEEKS IN THE BAG

After my 4:30pm yoga class today, I will have completed two weeks of daily yoga. I’m beginning to think I can actual accomplish this challenge. Too be honest, I was skeptical when I first began but sticking to something even when you don’t exactly love it, has its own sense of reward.



Morning yoga - rooftop of the World Temple

Yeah sure my arms and core are getting stronger and I feel more energetic lately but there’s a faith in yourself that grows ever so slightly every time you can check off another day of having done asanas (yoga postures) - not that it's about just getting it done and over with. It's becoming, dare I say, slightly enjoyable. Slightly is the operative word here.

Best pose - relaxing

Swamiji talks about having faith in the Divine in you and not only in your capabilities which is not always easy. But when I begin having faith in my ability to muster up enough motivation and determination to keep going I realize that, that motivation and determination is there because of a higher idea of myself rather than the old belief of  ‘I am not capable of this.’ And for me, that is a small part of the Divine acting in me, through me. The Divine in me is my higher self – my highest potential. And I don’t think I’ve even reached close to 50% yet. 

Perhaps I’ve got it all wrong but then again I create what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’ so I choose for it not to be wrong. It’s just where I’m at in this process of evolution called life. So there.

Okay so I just found out afternoon yoga class has been cancelled. Would this be ironic? Never really could come up with an example of irony and no Alanis Morrissette’s song ‘Ironic’ is not what irony is. That song should be called ‘shit happens’. But I’m not gonna take the easy road and skip yoga. I’m gonna attempt to do it on my own. I may only last 20 minutes (probably only 15) but I never did set a minimum time requirement to meet this challenge.…gotta love creating your own criteria;)

AN ACTUAL DISCUSSION OF WHAT YOGA IS  WILL BE IN THE NEXT POST…..

 

 

27 DAYS TO GO - WOLF OF WALL STREET & YOGA

So last night I stayed up well past by bedtime, 1am, to watch The Wolf of Wall Street. Wow...I couldn't not watch it. I felt as though I too was on drugs. I was addicted to this film. It was so extreme in so many ways and the fact that it is based on a memoir makes it even that much more disturbing. Which may of had something to do with my strange mood today. I've just been feeling confused and lost and actually I have been for the last few days. I'm not sure why exactly. And then of course I tell myself I should be able to get my shit worked out right? I mean I live at an ashram. I'm supposed to have control over my mind and be all Zen right? Yeah, no that's a load of crap - at least for me but that's not what I first thought when I got here. I naively thought it would take me a few months of meditating and living an ashram lifestyle (volunteering, not drinking, no TV, and following a discipline) to become a master of my mind and attain a permanent state of peacefulness and joy. Not so. I think if it were that simple ashrams would become the next popular holiday destination. And the ironic thing is, the more you want to 'become' some thing or state the less likely it is to happen since the very act of you wanting is what is stopping you. Damn ego!

So anyway, after not sleeping till about 1:30am I clearly could not wake up early enough for a morning run, yoga or meditation. However I did manage to go to yoga class this afternoon despite having a upset tummy and the blistering heat. It was more like steam-room yoga with the temperature hitting 42 degrees Celsius. Not sure how much longer I can do the classes in the afternoon. I think the mornings will soon become my only option but you never know. Maybe I'll get adjusted to the heat? Here's to hoping.



Exhausted - so not a yogi

 

30 DAY YOGA CHALLENGE

Got my yoga mat and ready to go!

I've been living at an ashram, in northern India, for 1 year and 10 months and I am only admitting this publicly for the first time - I do not like doing yoga. Yup, I ain't keen on doing downward dog or the warrior pose any more than I like having to do dishes. It's a chore, it's boring and I'd rather be doing something more fun like dancing. However, yoga asanas (postures) are proven to be good for your health and since I've been getting sick quite often these past few months, I thought - actually it was suggested to me by Swamiji - that I do yoga everyday. So I'm taking it on as a challenge. I will do yoga at least once a day for the next 30 days starting today. I've already done a class today so I'm down to 29. The countdown begins! Not sure if I'll end up feeling any better physically but the challenge sure spices things up. Why don't I like yoga and why I don't like even calling it that? Perhaps because it's not yoga.

TO BE CONTINUED....(I'm sleepy. It's 8:30pm here and my brain isn't working anymore. I was up at 5:30am for meditation. Sleeping in is waking up at 7:30am to be ready to serve breakfast at 8am! Seriously what's wrong with me.)

4AM MISSION STATEMENT

January 14, '14

It’s not about you. Life is not about your personal health, happiness, joy, success, strength. It’s what you give that matters not what you take from life. Even if at a particular moment when all the chips are down and you feel low, you can still give the one thing that is uniquely yours which is full of light and that’s your smile. You can still give whatever love you have to someone else because this life is NOT ABOUT YOU!

Don’t live your life trying to do all the things that you believe will give you what you want and for your own personal gain. Do everything for someone else. Even eating. Don’t eat to satisfy your hunger, your desires, your preferences but eat because you eat for the love inside you that wants to keep spreading. Eat for love not for personal survival. And when you move throughout your day, don’t move as though it’s a means to an end. Life is not about the next moment. It’s about THIS MOMENT - the joy and love you give to life in each breath you take. Never waste one single breath on something that is not for love/life. Don’t waste your time spent on things that may bring you down or make you think about your personal desires and satisfactions. Don’t waste time focusing on what you don’t have and focus instead of what you do have. Look at what’s going right than what’s going wrong because the truth is, nothing is going wrong. Life doesn’t make mistakes.

I will not define the purpose of my life in one sentence written in ink. The purpose of my life will always be to give all my love whenever I can to each and every moment, aspect, thing or person in life.  And I will remain open to having this purpose change because nothing is permanent even the state I am in now. And this is a blessing even if it means that  in half an hour I may feel bad due to a negative thought because I can’t know a positive thought if I don’t experience the negative so I will allow the negative thought to come, I will see it and then give it love and change it. Even negative thoughts need love to transform. I will not allow negativity to sit in me for a second longer than is needed in order for me to change my perspective and grow. There’s enough negativity in this world. There’s just no more room for even one ounce of negativity in this world so I won’t allow myself to be a channel for it. Sorry negativity I will NOT display your program anymore, you’re time is up.

I will understand the power of surrounding myself with positive people but I will ultimately know the decision to be positive and give love is up to me. I will use the negativity I experience as fuel for growing my positivity and love. I will not let ANYONE convince me that I’m not good enough or worthy because in fact they can’t. They do NOT have that power. Who I am is up to me and NO ONE CAN MAKE ME FEEL ANYWAY I DO NOT WANT TO.   

There is no right and wrong only what is right for life in this moment. And I will trust life to work through me so that I know the difference. LIFE IS SMARTER THAN MY MIND AND I WILL ALWAYS TRUST IT. Even if I’m trusting it only for one moment because LIFE IS JUST ONE MOMENT.

I won’t try to change anyone but rather let them be whoever they are and change who I am to be better so that they too may realize they too can be better. I will always try to give my best to life because life only gives, it never takes for its personal gain.

When you do something well be proud but DON’T THINK THIS MAKES YOU BETTER THAN ANOTHER because you’re only as good as the good you are for someone else. Be proud that life allows you to be good at something so you can continue giving back.

WAY BEYOND WORDS

I don’t know how to place the words together. I’m out of practice. My energy lent to matters and activities that are new to me. There’s less to share, to tell. For the first time words seem to escape me. They don’t seem to be enough in order to encapsulate all that is happening yet it’s all happening at once in one big complex movement. The little me is on a ride, the real me is it.

Sometimes it flows sometimes I stand still, yet other times the movements of everyday life seem so trivial compare to the peaceful place I reside in and that’s when I realize I’m flying. The moments of truth are still far and few in between however I take solace in knowing the gaps will lessen.

I no longer obsess with what’s next because I understand the real work is to know what this ‘I’ is. The I that has dominated my thoughts, actions and inactions. I’ve had fleeting moments where upon catching my own reflection I knew that, that wasn’t me. Of course it’s a part of me but not the one that has any sort of meaning. The truth of me is far too wide and vast to be defined by a physical body. It would be as though as a single separate organism I was placed on a hostile Earth to figure out how to survive while not knowing why I was trying so hard. For so long that’s what I believed. I’m so glad to know I was deluded. Chasing the next thing; career, money, happiness, friends, boyfriends, new experiences, material goods. I’m so grateful for being so trapped and lost in that world that I eventually exploded.

Life is no longer a struggle; swimming against the current trying to reach a goal that doesn’t even exist. I’m learning to let go and trust in the flow of life to guide me. I take comfort in not knowing. I am free. And now as I stop for a minute to read back what I have written I realize it can never be enough to convey what is. The truth. No matter how eloquently put, words will remain just that – sounds that once heard are transformed into thoughts but which are still not the thing which it is describing. Knowing the Divine is way beyond words.

A QUICK VISIT TO WOODSTOCK

May 19, 2013 – Mussoorie

It felt like I had turned back the clock eighteen years these past few days as I climbed up the steep hills along the curvey roads on the foothills of the Himalayas. Last time I did this I was a freshman at Woodstock boarding school still adjusting to life in India and dorms.

Me and Minam by the school gate

At 13 it was my first time being away from home and from the comforts of familiar settings. There was fear and anxiety as I learned how to fit into a system that was so culturally different from the one I had come from yet there was so much excitement and joy as I was introduced to a new way of life – one that opened my eyes to a world that was tough and gritty yet exuberant and bustling. Even then I knew the flavour of this life was one that had awakened up a craving for another taste.   

Dorms in the background

Now after close to two decades later as I reminisce of old times with my Woodstock friend Minam, it’s as though the remnants of our past still linger between the little cracks of the hole-in-the-wall shops we’d hang around in; giggling, gossiping and being kids. I can almost hear the laughter and then I ask myself, where’d the time go? All that is left are fading memories that I find myself clinging onto as I walk past the unchanged Budhu Ram’s shoe shop. (I don’t think there was a Woodstocker who didn’t own a pair of hand-crafted shoes made by the old man himself who’s legacy is now left behind with each of us who have walked miles in those one of a kind leather sandals).



On the 2nd floor of quad building

The fresh mountain-side air, the heavy oak and sky scrapping pine trees mingling with the famous deodar trees, the grandeur of the distant hills and the antics of the clever monkeys was once so entrenched in our day to day life that it went unnoticed as the backdrop to our experience. But now starring out at the horizon a wave of nostalgia washes over me as I can’t help but notice the splendour of it all and realizing just how lucky we really were. Of course at 13 when you’re still testing the limits of the environment around you, you don’t have much appreciation for the unique life you’re living until the years go by and nothing you’ve experienced thus far compares to the time you spent tucked away along a range of foothills with little to no contact with the outside world; a bubble that only those who have once spent time in could understand the logic of making mac&cheese in a kettle and how that was a treat over school food.



The new and improved dorms cafe



Wow an empty quad!

I have often wondered why I left after only one year and I don’t think I’ll really ever know what I was feeling or thinking at the time of my decision – heck I was only 14 so I don’t think I was too concerned about my future. I was only thinking about how I didn’t want to continue struggling to catch up academically to my peers who were already all so familiar with the intense curriculum that prepares students for the top Universities and Colleges around the world. From what I remember, it was a quick decision and before I knew it I was back in my old settings – home at my parents’ house in Ottawa, Canada. Fitting back into the life I thought I knew so well was a challenge. I had gone through a fundamental change. Not only did I sound different (a mix of Hinglish, British and every Asian accent you can think of) I felt different. The little girl had grown up.

A beautifully renovated 'study hall'

And now as I walk into Parker Hall the memory of the first day of school comes rushing back. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the visual - Ms. Hoffman, in the middle of her welcome back to school speech, looked up at Lizzy and I, who were sitting on the balcony (we were late – of course it was my fault), and told us to quiet down and to come see her after assembly. It was my first of many encounters with staff where I would be getting into trouble. I lost count of how many SMD’s (Saturday Morning Detentions) I served. Of course it was never my fault. I mean seriously it’s not easy to abide by a 10pm lights out call!

Yup there's the balcony up there

But even with the tough times I went through at school it’s still hard not to feel a lump in my throat as I walk down the halls of Midlands' dorms which are crammed with those heavy silver trunks – again one of those Woodstock things.

Midlands' hallway

 

 

It's all gone!

 

 

 

Minam and I are shocked when we see the grade nine wing or should I say lack thereof. The grade nine wing was the area that most of us freshmen lived in for the year. It’s now a conference hall. 

The space where my 1st semester room used to be

I was hoping to see ‘Puja was here ‘94’ carved into some old piece of furniture but no such luck. My first semester room is now a laundry room, so sad.

Way too many SMDs in this library

Minam and I shoot a few hoops, take loads of pictures and continue discussing the old days on our trek back up to school.

Totally missed

 

Where the freshmen would hang out/study

 

Walkng down from Midlands

And then it’s over. No trunk or suitcases accompanying me this time. Just me, my small backpack and beautiful memories of a time that passed by way too quickly. Looking out the taxi window on my way down the winding roads and I have a thought: hold onto each moment like it’s the last because you won’t get another chance; breathe it in, live it to the fullest, absorb as much as you can, live, learn, step back and move forward…