It's Real

Sometime in early December, 2020

He got worse quickly. We had no idea what was going on as he became weaker and weaker. 

Why'd it stop and where'd it go? He was that for me these past few years. Whilst he withered away unbeknownst to all, he was my background sound that was just always there. Never paid it too much attention until it got really quiet and by then it was almost too late.  

Dec. 30, 2020

Now I wonder, what now? I want to walk outside of my bedroom door look to the left and see him in his black office chair. I wanna say good morning Pop. He'd ask me, whilst sipping his cup of chai, 'are you going anywhere today?' and I'd say yes or no and it didn't matter, or so we thought. But maybe I mattered to him like he mattered to me- he was there, I was there, and if he wasn't, if I wasn't, I'd be back... he'd be back.     

Jan. 2, 2021

As I watch my Dad fade away, I see my mom fade into him. I don't know what's more devastating - watching him slowly die, my foundation of life deteriorate, or seeing my Mom's bubbly, joyful nature slide away. I want nothing more to call '92 back when we were a family of six, vibrant, busy, enjoying each others company. What I would do with a moment from those years. 

Now I hold onto each minute like it may be the last. Because one will be.  

Jan. 3, 2021

What matters...the slow rise and fall of his chest, his eyes meeting mine when I call him Papa, his heavy breathing, wiping the water from the sides of his eyes, putting the straw gently in his mouth when he needs a sip, feeding him a banana, feeding him anything, massaging his feet, hands, arms, telling him to feel his body and talk to the cancer. 

What matters now are his wishes, his desires, the life he is, the one life we all are...it's ALL that ever really matters. 

Sometime in December I think...

In the end...no not just ‘in the end’...but always, as long as...eternity, it’s been about you and your soul, you and God, you and your higher self. In the beginning, in the end and in between the only relationship that has ever matter was the one you had with yourself...the one self.

January 13th, 2021

Its 5:14am. I sit on the recliner-chair in my dad’s room in the palliative care unit at the Ottawa hospital. His snoring is louder than the vent blowing warm air into the room. I grew up with this snoring. When we were younger my sisters and I joked that it seemed like my Mom and Pop were in a snoring competition at night. One trying to out do the other as we couldn’t help but hear from outside their bedroom doors. And now...now I listen carefully to each inhale and exhale like I’m on a little journey with him. It’s strange how the proximity of death can do that. It can make you crave to hear another loud snore. Something you thought you’d never miss. And you pray...just one more, one more, another, just one more please...please keep them coming God. Please.

January 18, 2020

Things I say to myself: there’s always a reason to smile

• Breathe in each moment (it may be his last)

• Be here. Be fully here

• Right now THIS is my purpose- HE is my purpose

Papa Has Cancer?

December 22, 2020

When I find out my Dad has stage 4 cancer it's sometime in the morning

We get a call at 5am from a doctor at Montfort hospital on the 21st telling us they found something in Papa's blood work that requires them to do further testing. 'Bring him in immediately.' We know it's not good. Anudidi and Paji (my Dad's 'adopted' son) take Papa to the emergency.  They weren't allowed to stay with him - Covid rules. We're in the dark for the whole day and it's not until the next morning when I call papa's cell to see if he's awake that we find out. 

He picks up the phone after the first ring and I'm happy to hear his voice. I ask how he's feeling and what tests have been done and what not. I've got him on speaker so my mom, who's sitting next to me, can hear as well. There's a knock on my Dad's hospital room door. It's his doctor, Dr. Ayuen. 

"Hi there, I've got some bad news." She says, as if she's a store clerk telling a customer they'll be out of toilet paper until next week. 

The first blow sinks my heart a little. My mom goes still. Pop is mute. Ayuen sees he's on the phone and asks if he wants to discuss the results with 'your daughter' on the line. He says sure-he wants her to get to the point. Mommie and I are bracing. 

'So you have stage 4 cancer.' Boom. Just in one small sentence our lives are changed forever. Mom lets out a sound- I think it's almost a moan. I try not to cry and do my best to take notes as she lists all the places the cancer has spread. 'the cancer has metastasized into your spline, shoulders, hip...she's talking so fast I'm trying to keep up. I need to write it all down cause I have to tell my sisters. They're gonna wanna know details. After she's done her spiel she slows down to explain 'next steps'. Shit, she said Palliative. I know what this means. I've been an actor for CHEO who's new born is hanging on by a thread and the doctors suggest palliative care. Basically this means making the person comfortable until they die because trying to keep them alive will ultimately do more damage and cause more pain. Ayuen is trying to tell him he's dying fast and there's nothing they can do to stop it. I don't wanna hear it. 

The next call I make is to my sisters. I break down when I say 'It's stage 4 cancer guys.' But I pull myself together quickly cause there's so much more info to tell. One of them says, I knew it. I had a bad feeling. I think one of them is crying. My mom sitting next to me is hurting so bad- I can feel her. She's in disbelief. We're not ready.

December 22, Later that day...

It's so strange you know...because I knew this day was coming sooner rather than later. For the past 3 years I had been telling mom 'brace yourself cause I don't think Papa is gonna live another 5-10 years.' He was getting weaker, shakier, smaller. My sister's and I rounded it up to his drinking and smoking habits and lack of exercise. My dad's been smoking since he was a teenager and drinking religiously every night for about the last 40 years. It added up we thought. I soooo believed it was his drinking and smoking. I would berate him almost daily for the waft of nicotine that would fill the house even when he tucked himself in by his office fireplace to smoke - I made this mandatory in the last year. I had had enough...apparently so had his body. 

I was angry after his first fall in the summer. I thought he had had just too many whiskey's that night, slipped and couldn't garner enough strength to pull himself up. My mom was scared, I was pissed. I got him on the treadmill the next day telling him he had to start exercising and build some muscles. He always had twigs for legs. He listened for a while. It was hard to push him every single day, I thought he was just lazy. Maybe he was or maybe he didn't wanna face reality. He had made himself weak. 

October 26, 2020

I think it was about midnight when I hear coughing coming from the hallway. Maybe it's my mom, maybe she's sick. I open the door to my bedroom and I know it's coming from downstairs. I get a pit in my stomach and I know it's my Dad. I fly down the main staircase and see him rag-doll like on the floor vomiting. I fear the worst. I see if his head's split open and check for blood- nothing. A small sigh of relief. His blue whiskey glass is on the floor unbroken. He's been drinking. I know I have to act fast so I pull him up to a sitting position leaning him against the bottom step of his office stairs. He can't hold himself up. He looks confused and in pain. His legs are folded under him and he doesn't have the strength to straighten them. They're locked in place. I hold his torso up with one hand while I try and pull his legs from under him. It's hard. I'm now sweating. He can't hold himself up, he's leaning. I mop up the vomit. I think I get him some water. He mumbles for a tissue. Then I ask if he can move his legs. He can't. I don't know how to get him upstairs to bed. I ask if he can slide over to the main staircase. I'm thinking, 'maybe I can get him to crawl up.' I pull him over - almost like dead weight- and he manages to crawl up one step but it's not looking good. He has no strength to pull him self up, his torso is now collapsing. Abort mission Puja! He's gotta sleep down here, 'papa i can't get you up'. I tell him I'm bringing a foam mattress and he can sleep on that for tonight. It's another major task just to slide him down the last step to the floor and onto the mattress. He's helpless - I don't know why. Can he be THIS drunk?! I straighten his legs and arms once he's flopped onto the mattress and he looks uncomfortable. 'Papa do you want me to fix your arm?' His face is almost entirely smooched into the pillow so it's hard to hear him say no. I tuck him in, set a glass of water next to him along with some plastic bags incase he vomits again. He seems to hear me but I can't be sure. He just responds with a mumble. I step back, take him in, and wonder if I should do more. Should I call 911? My mom is asleep in her room this entire time. I don't want to disturb her.  

I should have disturbed her! Maybe if I did she would have freaked out even more than I and called 911. He needed a hospital, he needed medical attention and he needed more than a quick judgement from his daughter who assumed 'fuck man, Papa drank too much and has fallen'. I'm angry, scared and sad as I walk back up to my room thinking 'shit he's gonna kill himself.' I just didn't know he was already dying. 

October 27, '20

I woke up the next day completely fuming. Something drastic needed to happen to get my Dad to quit drinking and change his lifestyle. I tell my sisters what happened and we decide to hold an 'intervention'. In the meantime I call our family doctor (One of Papa's closest friends, Ranbir Bhatia) and tell him about the two falls he's had, one in the summer and one last night. He says something has to be done asap. He wants to see my dad for a checkup. At some point in the early morning Papa had made it upstairs. He sleeps in till noon. He's humiliated - I can feel it. I see him, like I always do, from outside my bedroom across the banister, sitting in his office chair. 'Papa things are going to change now.' He timidly looks up and says 'yes I know.' 

Side thoughts in November 2020

He didn't participate anymore (now I know why) and I got used to just me & mom, but he was always there. 'Hi Pop' when I walked in the house, 'bye Pop' when I left and 'goodnight Pop' as I shut my bedroom door. And when I didn't see him sitting in his office chair or watching an Indian show before lunch or knowing he was showering I'd ask mom 'where's pop', she'd say 'he's gone to the bank' and...Nothing... it didn't matter, or at least I didn't think it matter.  But it did. He was there. He was coming back. He was gonna be here...just in case.

FUNDRAISING FOR CAMBODIAN NGO

Dear Friends,

 As you may know, a few years ago, I volunteered in a school located in Cambodia.  Now a former student, Rattana Mai is trying to raise funding for a Cambodian NGO.  From my experience in this country, after spending several months as a volunteer in the city of Siem Reap and living as a local, I know how much Cambodia relies on tourism and how hard this pandemic has affected this area.

Rattana is hoping to raise funds for ‘Protect the Environment, Protect Yourself’ (PEPY).  This organization helps educate Cambodian youth with skills, opportunities and inspiration to reach their potential. PEPY allows the youth to pursue successful careers, therefore improving the quality of their lives.  For more information about this organization please visit the following link: http://pepyempoweringyouth.org/

I would like to ask for your support for this great cause.  You can be assured that 100% of your funding will be going directly to PEPY.  To make this fundraising process a whole lot of fun for you (and mostly me), I would like to offer you some vegan baked goods (delivered to your door, if you live in Ottawa) in exchange for your generous donations.  However, if you prefer no baked good, that is fine as well. 

Please donate here:  Help Rural Cambodian Youth Through COVID-19 Crisis organized by Rattana Mai

Help Rural Cambodian Youth Through COVID-19 Crisis organized by Rattana Mai PEPY Empowering Youth is a non-profit organisation located in Siem Reap… Rattana Mai needs your support for Help...

Now the fun part!  Here is a breakdown of what you can get:

$20 donation (choose one):

1.      12 pumpkin Sugar cookies

2.      12 pieces tahini swirl fudge

$30 donation (choose one):

1.     6 cupcakes (lemon, vanilla or pumpkin spice flavours)

2.     6 carrot cake muffins

$40 donation (choose one):

1.     6 gluten-free chocolate chip muffins

2.     6 gluten-free raspberry scones

$50 donation (choose one):

1.     8-inch lemon blueberry cake

2.     8-inch vanilla strawberry cake

If you have any other baking requests, please let me know, I can probably swing it provided it is vegan.  I really appreciate your help in help raise funding for this incredible organization. 

Rattana and I back in 2011 when I was volunteering at Anjali House (https://anjali-house.com/) This was taken at the wrap party for the play the kids performed. 

HABITS

Puja is just a habit. I mean who I know myself to be is really just a habit. A habit, as defined by Wikipedia is 'a routine of behavior that is repeated regularly and tends to occur subconsciously. '

My behaviour, my likes, dislikes, my values, morals, ideas, beliefs are all just habitual patterns that have cemented in my brain and in my mind over the last 39 years. 

Tonight, tired and zoning out, I look at the rug in front of me and I notice that I didn't know what colour it is. Is it navy, grey, teal? This little piece of soft rug I have stood on day in, day out, is foreign to me for a few seconds. And then I wonder 'what if I forgot colours?' What if I didn't know something so basic anymore. And then what if I forgot the names of common objects? We do forget the names of common items sometimes don't we? Like the name of a tree, a certain flower or animal. 
We forget the names of things we don't encounter everyday. The things we don't have a habit of repeating and familiarizing ourselves with daily. It happens sometimes doesn't it? It's just information that's been passed down. You're a couple of years old and point to an object and are told it's name; bottle, spoon, ball.  It's all just repetition. 

So I wonder what if I forgot? What if I forgot the world around me? And what if I also forgot my name and age and my race and my culture? And then what if I forgot myself? That part of myself which I call me - the voice in my head with it's constant dialogue that gives rise to emotions and thoughts. The self that says 'I need to loose the muffin top'; 'I wish I could act like that. I'm not confident enough to get roles like that.' - That self. What if I forgot my deep seated beliefs and those repetitive voices? What if, inside, I was silent. I was no one. Like being dead but the body being alive. Who would I be if the habit of Puja was no longer?

The habit of 'me' is so strong. It's the default. Everytime a new situation arises I go back to default and that default is 'being the victim'. Comparing and then judging myself and feeling small and not enough. I wanna break this habit. 
Puja in my heart - who is she 

Puja now is different to who puja used to be. Will the real Puja please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?
If 3 year old Puja was left alone and not taught anything who would she be? Soft, sensitive, caring, loving.
Puja in my heart is an optimist. She is understanding. She loves animals and children. 

Funny thing is the only times I can remember being really happy and me was before the age of about 10 and the first two years at the ashram. I can't remember who I was when I was young but I remember me at the ashram. I felt free. 

BEHIND THE SCENES OF BILINGUAL FILM BROKEN WATERS

Had so much fun on set. Amazing cast and crew!

AM I BACK? SURE...FOR NOW

Who am I? What is my thing? What's my background? What's my plan?
Questions I face these days and ones I don't know how to answer. I wanted to write something eloquent and well thought out about my experience and being back but if there's one thing I know it's that shit don't always go as we planned. Figuratively and literally.
Self expression is most honest when it doesn't ask for permission and just flows out of you because it has to, not when you're sitting in a beautiful coffee shop sipping a Starbucks but when you're leaning over a cold grey granite counter, elbows beginning to hurt.

I've been back in Ottawa for almost 5 months after being away overseas for about 5 years. Four of those years were spent living in an ashram in the northern part of India by the Ganga river (that's what us Punjabis call it). I should be in a different state, I should be all zen and at peace and radiating joy all the time.

I thought I'd be strong enough to handle the change in pace going from a quiet and simple life to one that is all about 'showing' yourself to the world. I don't know how to do that. Gosh if anything, I sort of feel like the ashram impaired me from knowing how to be in this technology crazed, social media obsessed, consumption overloading, goal oriented society. I sound bitter. I don't want to be.
But it's me. It's not the ashram - the beautiful, peaceful, place I still call home that is at fault. It's me. But am I even at fault?

Why can't I just wake up and be overjoyed and stay in the present and truly understand, actually not understand but REALIZE (not using the mind) that the NOW is all there is and I'm consciousness not a little person, as Eckhart Tolle teaches us. Why am I not fully awake? Why are some negative perspectives so fucking hard to get rid of? At times I feel grown, open, receptive to life and in the flow and then there are times I go right back to the little Puja who left Ottawa in 2011.

I text with my Russian friend today and I understand I'm not alone. We're all going through our own shit. Two steps forward, one back and we look up and wonder what for.
Who are we competing against? Who are we trying to show our life to? Who are we doing it for? Why all the effort? I say fuck it.

Maybe I don't need goals, I don't need to know what I want, maybe I don't need to understand the mystery of life, maybe I can just be the way I am without fully understanding what that is. Maybe I can live a life without burdening myself with guilt for not doing more, being more, being more 'spiritual' (what that entails, I still don't know). Maybe I can just be.

Wars rage on, on the other side of the world and my heart goes out to the victims of such atrocities as I skim over headlines wanting to avoid the reality. I don't know how I can help. It's not about me though. I need to do what I need to do in the life I'm leading right now. I doubt but mostly I trust life to let her work through me so I know what I need to do, what I need to be, to be a part of the awakening, the healing.

Today I will work on Love. I will not act out of fear, anger, sadness. I will love fully or at least try.
And if that's the only thing I took away from my time at the ashram, then so be it.

Maybe next time someone asks what my plan is or what I'm doing I'll just say 'I'm a perfect expression of the universe trying to know itself through the means of this body.' And who said I wasn't spiritual;)

MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT DEPRESSION - A TOP 10 LIST

If you've ever had or are currently dealing with depression you'll relate to the following and if you know someone who is then you really should read this.


1.  Just because I have a mental illness doesn't mean I'm now 5 years old. I can still read the tone in your voice as you ask me if I'm up-to-date on emails. That 'look' you give me when you see me working, as if I'm a maniac about to blow up any second. If you feel the need to treat me 'special' or see me any different than when you didn't know I had depression, just remember your actions are being felt and it's extremely patronizing which of course doesn't help. But I'll survive. I have till now.

2.  Just because my brain is foggy doesn't mean I don't know what I'm doing. Yes I may forget stuff and am having a hard time concentrating but I know what needs to get done and I'm trying my best to do it. Your assumption that i'm now physically challenged isn't helping. But I'll survive. I have till now.

3.  Just because I feel like I'm carrying a 1000 pound weight on my shoulder and am about to collapse at any moment doesn't mean I can't listen to your problems. In fact it can be a relief to get out of my own mind for a while and focus on you. I still have a heart and can offer advice and empathy. Last I checked I was a human just like you.

4.  Just because I have an illness you know nothing about doesn't mean it's contagious. Maybe that look you give me is actually one of fear and seeing me is a reflection of the darkness within you so you walk away because you would rather not deal but walking away from me can feel like a thousand daggers to the heart. But i'll survive. I have till now.

5.  Just because I have depression doesn't mean you have to walk on egg shells around me. Yes I may be a sensitive person and situations gets construed in my mind as negative but that doesn't mean I'm about to scream and yell or slit my wrists if you're not overly polite and gentle with me. I'm a person, not a fragile bird. In fact if you speak the truth it can be a huge relief. I'll survive. I have till now.

6.  Just because you've been around people who have had depression, doesn't make you an expert on the illness. Everyone's depression affects them differently and what works for one person may not for the next. You can't really know depression unless you've been in that dark hole yourself. It's like saying you're an expert on all the qualities of honey; consistency, molecular make-up, smell, but you don't know honey until you've tasted it.

7.  Just because I can't articulate what I'm going through doesn't mean I'm making it all up. All you may see and understand is that my thoughts are negative but it's so much more than that. It's a real illness and because it's not so easy to detect and the causes for it can be so vast and varied,  unfortunately it's not taken seriously a lot of the times. But I'll survive. I have till now.

8.  Just because I say I'm fine and push you away doesn't mean I don't need a hug. Sometimes that's all I need but keep your pity aside please. Just a human to human 'it's going to be okay' hug will do. But if you don't, I'll survive. I have till now.

9.  Just because you find it hard to be around me doesn't mean it's easy for me to be around myself. In fact whatever you're feeling and thinking about me, multiply that by a hundred and that's likely what I'm feeling and thinking about myself. I already feel worthless so knowing you can't 'handle' me makes it all the worse. But I'll survive. I have till now.

10.  Just because I've grown with this depression for years doesn't mean I'm superhuman now and can just bounce right back.  The worst part is the guilt that comes with knowing that happiness is a choice and knowing my life is in my control yet feeling completely out of control. Knowing that I am more than my mind makes me feel even worse when depression does take its hold of me because I should know better right? I may just be more confused than you about how it's possible depression can affect such a usually positive person like myself.

But it's all good because I know this too shall pass and so I pick myself back up everyday because I know if I don't no one will and because if I give in now, depression would have won along with all those misconceptions about it. Despite what everyone says, we are fighters, warriors in fact. The fight we fight is very much alone, quietly in our own minds & hearts and the battle wounds are buried deep within. But we'll survive. We have till now.