RANDOM JOURNAL ENTRIES

Nov. 18, 2011 – Korean airport

                What is it about the North American culture that instills a sense of questioning or perhaps you can call it lack of faith where we are always comparing, judging and doubting ourselves? 

Around November 20^th in Siem Reap, Cambodia

So I did it. I quit my job as a producer for a political show with a news organization to volunteer and travel around the world which basically I’m hoping will lead to a sense of self. I laughed when people compared my journey around the world to Elizabeth Gilbert; author of the famed Eat, Pray, Love movie starring Julia Roberts. But the truth is as I sit at a restaurant in Siem Reap’s ‘downtown’, I realize that the reason I left home was to achieve more or less the same thing as Gilbert: figure out my life. 

Feb. 16, 2012 – Kep, Cambodia

                David’s Grey Babylon is playing while I sit at Breezes restaurant looking out into the sea. It’s a strange feeling having a song take you back to a certain time and place with a certain emotional feelings attached to it. I wasn’t in the best mental place when this song was a staple on my music player back in 2002 when I was living in Vancouver. I’m in such a different place 9 years later. I want to hold onto this peace and tranquility I feel.

Feb 19, 2012 – Bangkok

                It could be any metropolitan city really. I’m taxing around the city looking out to the streets. If someone were to tell me I was in San Francisco or New Delhi, I would have believed them. The only thing that gives it away really is the Thai writing on the signs I see. You’ve got 7 Eleven shops everywhere, pink taxis, tuk tuks, KFC and McDonalds, global banks and then in original Thai style I spot a bank called Cartoon. Yeah that doesn’t really generate feelings of monetary security. Even the tourists vary incredibly. You have your average hippie; long dreads and beards wearing only recycled scraps, long term vacationers, ex-pats, short term tourists, etc...You got ever culture imaginable. It’s one of those places where you can never keep up. Things move fast and everyone’s running to keep up.

Feb 21, 2012- Vientiane, Laos

                A wine bar playing jazz music is exactly what I was in the mood for tonight however I must say I did not expect to find this hidden spot in the middle of Vientiane. I love how places and people continue to surprise me. I sort of feel like I’m in a sophisticated lounge in Upper East Side, New York.  The major differences being I’m the only one in this place and my glass of chardonnay only costs me $4. 

August 13, 2012 - Raiwala, India

Reading this stuff back is so interesting. I'm in such a different state of mind now. I'm evolving...that's the only way I know how to describe it right now. If you've ever read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne or The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield, well that is similar to what I'm learning and experiencing here at the ashram. 

MORE RANDOM TRAVEL ENTRIES TO COME...

ASHRAM CONTINUED

So while I've been staying at the ashram, I've had the opportunity to play with the children who come here during the week for school. The teachers and the children are picked up by the Ashram's yellow school bus from around the village and brought here to learn and play. It's so fun and fulfilling to play with them and teach them whatever I can. Swamiji has also given me the opportunity to play and try to teach some of the workers' kids. There is a new building being built here and the workers have come from smaller villages and so the kids have never been to school and don't know basics like counting to 10 in Hindi. I'm doing what I can. Meanwhile, my camera is barely working any more and I think it's going to die on my pretty soon however I've managed to snap a few more pics of this place. 

View from my room of the dinning Hall and school bus below

My room

Dinning are

One of the newer buildings where I was staying before I
moved out of the AC room 

MORE OF WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ME:

July 9

I thought I was making progress and today I feel like I’m back at square one. I know my mind is working it’s old tricks on me. The feeling of disappointment is settling in and it’s hard to silence it. But I’m trying and I’m just going on what Swamaji says: trust in yourself and have some willpower. I will surrender myself to the divine, gosh darn it I will!!!!

July 10

I felt something real today. I sensed that I was before and I will be after this life: After my body finishes. I was here before; here on Earth. I saw blue today, well I always see an electric blue energy but I also saw a flash of green. After dinner Swamiji called me over to chat. He gave some more advice, as he always does when I need it – I think he can just sense it. I asked him what green represented in The Mother’s wheel and he said transformation. It’s true, I’m going through a major transformation and it’s beautiful.

July 11

A little closer to reaching clarity.

July 12

My ego is hurt. My mind won’t allow me to go deeper into myself. Swamiji told me to closely protect my atama (soul). I’m trying.  

July 13

Swamiji called me over today and told me not to worry about the thoughts I have been having: about my money running out. I then asked him if he can just sense what I’m feeling. He gave it to me straight. He said sometimes when someone walks by he can sense their energy and their mind displays in front of him like a movie and sometimes he sees flashes like lightening. So cool. 

July 15, (Typed using the Ahsram's computer on July 22)
I was in the middle of updating my blog this afternoon when my computer crashed. All of a sudden I get a message that Windows has stopped working and then when I go to restart my computer I get a technical message that I don't understand but basically saying my computer is facing a problem and won't start-up. Ugh, so frustrating. Then I remember: I need to learn from this and then I get the message; Stop using the computer! For days now there hasn't been any wifi access and the other day, Deana (the receptionist/yoga asana teacher) told me that wifi access has been low ever since I came. I haven't been listening to the message from The Mother (aka The Universe) who has been preventing me from using the net so she had to take drastic measures. Silly how I was so frustrated at first. I mean it's only a machine and if I need to buy a new one and if the need is really great, I'll be able to afford it. For now I'm just grateful that I have eyes I can see with and a hand that can still jot down my thoughts the old fashioned way - pen to paper. 

July 17, (After a 2 hour meditation session)
Nothing in life is really what it seems. There's something so much more important than what meets the eye. Everything I used to think was important or mattered, doesn't. My priorities are shifting. My whole perspective is changing. I am so much more than what I may represent. 

July 18, 
I am all; love, beauty, nature, forces, music, movement, earth, sky, bliss. Puja with her strong vital and mental nature is gone. I am the master now and the vital, mind and physical will obey me. They will manifest only the Divine. I need to express. 

AUROVALLEY ASHRAM

Link to Aurovalley Ashram


June 26th 
It’s been a day and half and I’m already at peace. As soon as I walked in the front gates I knew this was the place for me. And when I met Swami Brahmdev that feeling was validated. He has this aura about him. It’s like he’s so at peace with himself and the world that the wisdom he has gained radiates off of him. 

Swamiji told me to follow him one evening. He was going to show me the 'labratory'. He was a few steps ahead of me and with his flowing white gown, flip flops and his mid length grey hair slicked back, I could have sworn it was God himself. I was told to repeat 'Om' in this large circular room where the sound echos and radiates back to you. You can feel your own vibrations in this place. Anyhow I chanted for about 5 minutes and somethign happened. I can't even describe what it was but I felt something greater than myself. Swamiji was waiting for me outside and he knew I felt something without me having to say anything. He suggested I come to this room as much as possible. He told me it will help me. It has. 

The Mother's symbol which I was repainting - she is one of
the philosophers/gurus who inspired this ashram

June 29^th
This is the first day I try to meditate without my ego. After about what felt like 20 minutes of counting my breath, I felt a sudden strong energy fill me. It was thick and heavy like solid mercury filling me up. I was sitting with God. We were talking and it wasn't really with words, or maybe mine were but Her answers to my questions came in feelings and just assurances in myself. I think I always knew it was in me. She would speak to me quietly and then at times much more loudly. But my mind and ego were strong. They wanted to rebel and not listen to that feeling. 

July 3, 2012

I always wanted to express myself through acting and writing. I think when I was really young about 5 or 6, I wanted to just act and then as I got older I wanted my acting to be seen by many so that I could be admired, justified. Little did I know that I didn’t have to do anything to justify my existence. The innocence of who I am has been painted over many times through my life and now I’m trying hard to scrap it all off to see what lies underneath.

July 4

I saw God today and I don’t mean I saw nature and saw God in a matter form. I mean I actually saw what God is while meditating. It was so strange. I have been asking myself the ‘big question’ ever since I was 14 – what is God and why does this universe exist? Well I only got an answer to the first question. So today during meditation I had my eyes closed and began counting my breaths, as usual, while visualizing an Om in space. I asked God to show herself to me. I told The Divine that when I got to 100 breaths, to reveal the truth of what we all call God is. I couldn’t handle it. It was like this massive, huge, enormous, vast, strong, all encompassing supernova type of light. It felt like my brain was going to explode and I had to open my eyes before it really did. I couldn’t sit in the meditation hall any more. I had to leave. I had no idea what had just happened. I don’t know if my own mind was playing tricks on me and I had only imagined what I saw, felt or if it was the Truth. So I went to the laboratory to connect with The Divine to get clarification. I told her I was going to stay there and chant Om until I got an answer. I got one. I wasn't going to get the answer I wanted. I wasn't going to get a clear cut answer. But then again, God never promised me a clear cut answer, she just promised me an answer. The Divine is so vast and the reasons she created this game is something humans will never know nor perhaps need to know in order to play the game. I do know that if I keep going after the impossible questions, I’m going to miss out on the Diviness around me. I’m not going to be able to manifest my true self and that’s the reason I’m here on Earth. 

The dinning hall 

July 6

My mind is so powerful. It’s judging and arguing and fighting. It doesn’t want to be silenced. It’s behaving like it usually does telling me I can’t do it. That it’s not possible for me to find my true self. I just have to trust in what I felt a couple of days ago but I’m wavering so I’m going to put my trust in Swamiji who told me to keep courage and keep on.

It’s very strange and more than a coincidence that ever day when i’m going through whatever block or whatever I’m feeling, Swamiji will come over and give me advice that keeps me having faith. He knows what I’m thinking without me saying a word. I don’t get it but then again there are so many things going on within and around me that i don’t understand lately.


TO BE CONTINUED...

A POEM INSPIRED BY MY STAY AT THE ASHRAM

Mango Tree

My seed was planted far beneath the ground

With my roots firmly supported by the Earth around

I have a strong foundation so I’m not easily shaken

My core is solid so don’t be mistaken

My branches stretch out in the open air

Which gives my leaves space to grow and repair

The sun smiles down on me during the day

I say thanks; for without her I would not be here today

I’m blessed when the clouds sprinkle me with love

I know the rain is special because it comes from above

I have many small friends who like to stop by

I enjoy their time before they have to go back into the sky

I never shed a tear for the ones who have gone

For I know there will be more who will come along

The fruits of my labour dangle off my arms

Handing out mangos is just one of my charms

I enjoy the gentle breeze of the wind

Its rhythm makes me dance and sing

But sometimes the wind brings along a thunder storm

And some of my branches break off and my leaves are torn

I never fear its violent behaviour

Because I know God has a reason which is far greater

I am unique and there is no other tree just like me

So please don’t be envious because we all have our own destiny. 

SPIRITUAL AWAKENING...WELL NOT YET BUT GETTING THERE

HARIDWAR

I'm glad I had company on my first train experience in India since 2006. The trains have gotten better but the station in Delhi is still a zoo of travellers, stray dogs, coolies, food sellers, pick-pocketers, homeless and just loads and loads of people. Sitting in a AC first class car I'm comfortable and hungry. It's only 6:50am and the train is just pulling out of the station - right on schedule which surprises me. I thought everything in this country runs on IST (Indian standard time - at least half an hour behind schedule) but nope not the Shatabdi express! 
A half an hour nap, two meals in 5 hours and we're there. We're greeted at the train station by Ritu's Uncle and the 5 of us (Ritu, her husband Jai, myself, Uncle and his friend) pack into a small honda hatchback. Yup, no more luxury from now on but I'm happy with this. I'm back to my basic backpacker lifestyle - it suits me well.

Uncle's hunting rifle 

I have experienced my first religious ritual. I've taken a dip in the holy waters, the Ganga (Hindi way of saying Ganges). Hindus say the Ganga washes away your sins.  I really hadn't planned on going in past my knees but as I turned to climb back up the steps Uncle stopped me and told me I had to go in and that it is "very important". So I got peer pressured by a man more than twice my age. 
I let out a yelp when I almost got pushed in by the mob around me who apparently weren't bothered by the freezing grey-greenish water. I slowly crept my way in. Once the water was waist level and I had practically been drenched by the all the splashing, I knew there was no turning back. I embraced the mind over matter attitude and shrieked my way into the icy river. On the count of three, Ritu and I blocked our noses and went under. I couldn't believe I had done it! I was so proud of myself. However I didn't feel any lighter by having my sins washed away. I think all I got was nearly pneumonia and who knows what kind of germs laced onto my skin and hair. I mean for heaven's sake people throw their deceased loved ones ashes into this river!

Pilgrims

"All good. Not freezing at all." (hahah, yeah right)

We stick around to watch the Aarti (religious ritual of lighting wicks and offering it to the Ganga) which is suppose to be beautiful. So we stand on the steps of the Ganga and listen to the chanting and praying going on by the Sadhus and pundits. I see a man pouring in some liquid into the Ganga with one hand and holding his mobile up to his ear with the other- spirituality in the 21^st century. This image really defines what India is becoming; a holy and spiritual land trying to balance the influx of consumerism and technology. I smirk. 

Lighting of wicks

While I listen to the chanting and watch the crowd in devotion, I figure now would be a good time to get connected with my spiritual self, so I pray. It’s a bit selfish, to say the least because as I focus my attention on the swirling murky water the only thing that comes to mind is to ask God to help me find what I’m looking for.  Probably too vague of a question. I’m sure even God doesn't know what I’m asking.

All sorts of stuff being thrown into the Ganga

Ritu and I after being blessed by the Ganga and a Pundit 

After we’re ‘purified’ and in touch with our holier sides, we get shoved and pushed around the mosh pit trying to get our shoes and back into town. So much for peace and tranquillity. We escape and hold hands as we walk through the market towards home. I feel like we've just come out of a concert hall with fans eager to get home while others hang around wondering what do with that high religious adrenaline pumping through their veins.     


And then it happens, I get my ass grazed. Yup. It was bound to happen so I’m not too annoyed but still having a man intentionally slide his hand across your butt as he glares back at you with a creepy smile pasted on his face, will always feel degrading. He's too far ahead for me to whack him with my water bottle but I'm prepared for the next perv. 


I’ll be travelling to the Patanjali Yogpreeth ashram (http://www.divyayoga.com/)  on the outskirts of Haridwar tomorrow on my own so I'm going to have to develop a  more aggressive attitude and try to look tough and of course have my water bottle around as a weapon. Oh jeez, travelling alone in India, what am I thinking?! I’m not.

The 20km journey to Pajanjali takes an hour long bumpy autorikshaw ride. I arrive sweating and with a headache. I pay, according to local standards, an expensive fare to the autorikshaw wala- a whole 200 rupees which is about four bucks. 

Okay so the ashram is nothing what I expected. The massive white arc of the front gate makes it look like I'm entering a place dedicated to top secret investigative services than a place which is meant to treat people and encourage a yogic lifestyle. The guards here look more attentive than the indifferent Delhi cops who just look bored most of the times while they pick their noses – no exaggeration here, I've seen it with my own eyes! 

[pictures of the ashram to be included here once I get my camera working again]

The grounds are huge and there are different buildings each housing a different service from aryuvedic treatment facilities to hospital like rooms to a cafeteria. I feel like I’m on a University campus.  I realize when I get to the ‘patient registration’ counter and asked what my illness is, that this place is more of an Aryuvedic treatment centre than a place to get in touch with ones spirituality. So I tell the Doctor, who looks at least a few years younger than me, all about my IBS. I’m given yet another list of products I must take, and told I need to learn pranyama and kapalbhati  (yoga breathing techniques) to cure my illness. I’m surprised that this Doctor thinks my IBS is curable when all the western docs I have seen have told me that there’s no cure only methods of coping. So I take my bags, sign up for an AC room and settle in.

I think I’m the only foreigner here and the intense stares I’m getting verify it and make me feel out of place. I ask Dr. Doogie Howser where and when the yoga takes place and then at 5:30pm I make my way to the large gazebo like structure to take part in my first pranayama lesson. It’s everything my Mom had tried to teach me and I feel guilty for not listening to her – Mom’s are always right. Damn it!

The instructor has us doing slow movements and stretches and I’m already sweating. Of course it doesn’t help that it’s about 40 degrees Celsius outside. I’m proud of myself for sitting through the full lesson which is an hour and half. I reserve to my room, shower and head to bed. I set my alarm for 6am so I can be ready for the 7am yoga. 

so yeah that doesn’t happen. I’m exhausted and don’t wake up until 10:30am. After lunch in a cold and dreary looking cafeteria I step outside the ashram grounds to the only shop in the near vicinity. I’m impressed with this line up of shops. I find my batteries and some gum and I’m quite thrilled when I spot ‘cyber shop’ written on a small boxed room with only three computers inside. I’m feeling a little guilty for going on the internet while staying at an ashram but without internet access for the last 24 hours, I'm going through withdrawal. Contact with the outside world for half an hour and I feel so much better. It’s almost time for the 5:30pm pranayam class so I take my seat and I’m already feeling hot and sticky. This is going it be tough.

I made it! I did the full one and half hour session and I’m proud of myself. Off to bed early, pranayama at 7am and then get ready and leave for another ashram. The morning pranayama is tough. I’m tired and eager to reach the next ashram which I’m hoping will cater more to what I’m looking for....wait, do I even know what I’m looking for?

FIRST 3 WEEKS IN DELHI

When I landed at the Indira Gandhi International airport I didn't know what to expect; I half expected a bit of chaos but then as the escalator descended towards immigration it all started to look very familiar -  high ceilinged walls covered with brass plates and protruding palms with the fingers sculpted into religious hand positions known as mudras - it brought me back to December 2010 when I made the trek to India for my friend Cauvery's wedding. I didn't think I'd be back so soon let alone for no reasons in particular other than to travel around the country. Does travelling suffice as a reason? With no exact plan and only a vague idea of what I want to do whilst I'm here, I step into the furnace like outdoors and see my name displayed on a piece of paper. I put my hand up like I'm in grade school being called out during morning attendance. The driver spots me and waves me over. The 30 second wait for my bags to be placed in the trunk and I'm already perspiring. I reach my destination which is an Indian palace like mansion in half an hour and my bags are automatically taken up to the 2nd floor where I'll be staying. This home belongs to the Kakar family who are old friends of my parents. I've known them since I think I was about 9 and they've graciously allowed me to crash at their place until I figure out where I'm going next. 

My home for the next 3 weeks. It's much, much bigger on the inside. 

Delhi on the outside looks the same as I last left it but it's the changes in people I notice. The middle class are getting richer, their cars bigger and their cell phones flashier and as a foreigner who is Indian, I'm not stared at as much - they've seen the likes of me before. Of course I am sooo 'last season' with my light weight 'non smart-phone' from Cambodia and $1 flip flops. However the array of smells and the circus that is India hasn't changed. The colours are bright and loud and the people even more vibrant. It’s impossible not to stare at all the chaos. People run and hang off honking buses, groups of children are packed in autorickshaws like sardines, families of 5 ride on motorcycles comfortably and malnourished cows roam around looking for scraps to eat as the homeless find a vacant space on the pavement to rest on. India is a country of extremes. Extreme wealth and extreme poverty co-existing right next to one another.

My first autorikshaw ride back from the aryuvedic hospital (look in the rearview mirror and you'll see my greasy head covered look)

June 7th

A week has gone by and I'm already sick. I had frequently heard of the term 'Delhi belly' and I finally know first hand what it means. I spent the better part of the last 72 hours in the washroom. I really don't know what it could be since I've been fairly careful with where and what I've been eating and drinking and since I've been travelling for so long I thought my system could fight off most bacteria. London must have softened me up. After an exhausting three days of being bed ridden I'm eager to get out of the house. I tag along when auntie heads out for some jewellery shopping at the Greater Kailash market where I find much to my liking. The next day I hit the colourful Sarojni market where the clothes are cheap and the options plentiful - my kind of place. However just half an hour of wandering outdoors at 8pm in the evening and I'm sweating. I buy two kurthis (light cotton Indian styled tops) and a pair of tights for $6 and I’m happy.

Shopping/sweating at Sarojini market

So I’ve taken my aunts advice and started aryuvedic treatment - An ancient Indian method that uses natural ingredients and methods to cure illnesses - yet another attempt at trying to cure my chronic digestive issues (a.k.a. IBS). So I'm taking some repulsive, vomit inducing herbal meds twice a day and getting shirodhara - a process of warm oil being continuously poured on the forehead for half an hour. The idea is to have the oil seep into the head and calm the nerves.

Shirodhara

 The process itself is relaxing but after three days of reeking of coconut diesel I figure it’s not helping my digestive issues so I stop. Perhaps I would have continued the treatment had it been given in a luxurious spa where the atmosphere would be soothing and comforting.  The Aryuvedic hospital in contrast is government run so cleanliness is lacklustre to say the least and after hearing Ritu scream because she saw a mouse run out of the steam bed, I decided to call it quits.  The rest of my time in Delhi is spent chilling, writing, reading, working out and checking out a few movies and restaurants. I’m living the high class life, but not for long. My journey out of Delhi is about to begin...

Free food being given out on the side of the street

2AM IN DELHI

I want to just run. Run until I can't run anymore and until there's no where to run too. That's all. Just run.
Lost. Yup I'm lost.
Things that I am: Lost, confused, frustrated, angry, scared.......getting there.
Why did I leave? Why did I come?
I can't write. I can't find myself. Such a strange notion. I mean I'm right here. I am me. Well not according to Buddhists; there is no I. What we call 'I' is beginningless and endless. We're all recycled and should therefore try to stop this cycle of 'life' so we can finally be at peace. But I, yes I, don't know if this is the truth. I don't entirely believe this theory.
You shoot me down but I won't fall, I am titanium, I am titanium!