LOVE...?

April 2, 2012 It’s been a whirlwind of a week. I was in Chiang Mai, north Thailand, contemplating doing a three day meditation retreat and wondering why I’m alive and what I’m meant to do and if it all means nothing and then on my last day as I ventured out on my own to have a few drinks before I saying goodbye to Chiang Mai, I met a man. An amazing older, sexy, Spanish man who had me flying. Unfortunately I had too many mojitos; being a foreigner travelling by myself it wasn’t the wisest decision but with all that had been running through my head that week, being responsible wasn’t on my mind. Jose, my Don Juan, guided me home – my guesthouse- as we walked hand in hand in the rain. He then held my hair back and stroked my hand as I was sick from downing way too many mojitos. The next morning when I saw him lying next to me, I wondered why he stayed. Why were we clothed and why did he only just turn around, looked at me and asked how I was feeling without trying to get into my pants. There was no trying to ‘sleep’ with me, just next to me. And so I began falling.

We lay in bed for most of the day; well I did most of the laying around since my stomach was desperately trying to recover from the overdose of the Cuban drink. Jose brought me juice and fruit and nursed me back to better health but mainly by just staying with me and making me laugh and smile. Just hours with him and he had me convinced not to catch my train to Bangkok that evening but instead to go on his flight the following evening which would be on him. Of course the idea seemed crazy considering I had only known him for about 12 hours at that point but the circumstances weren’t exactly ‘ordinary’ and neither is the man. We had a lovely romantic dinner by the riverside that night and then went to see Jose’s school friends. Did I mention he was in Chiang Mai for a month learning Thai massage? Hello!?

So I drank water, Jose had a coke and we sat with his friends and then bid farewell to the group and walked back to my guesthouse – hand in hand. Today we woke up and lay around listening to Spanish music as Jose sang along and to me with his sexy, deep voice. It was all very, very romantic. Jose’s ‘assistant’, as he liked to call the tuk tuk driver who became like his personal chauffeur while he was in Chiang Mai, was due to pick us up at 5pm to take us to the airport. So we spent the morning and the afternoon taking photos of each other, of us together and listening to music. We headed out for a coffee and a bite and then were off to the airport. This is when I started to feel a growing tightness in my belly. I knew the reality of saying good-bye to this man and to the amazing time we had together was coming to an end. We spent the next few hours pretending that it wasn’t really going to end as Jose role-played talking to me as if I were a stranger and telling this stranger about his ‘wife’- yes that would be me he was referring to. He went on about how this fantastic woman and he were going to adopt 8 children and live together in Spain. It was sweet and I forgot for those moments that I was going to say good-bye in a few hours.

Then because Jose was continuing further to Madrid he had to go through security at a different check point and so the two ‘strangers’ were separated for a brief time only to meet again on the plane and ‘coincidentally’ had seats next to one another. This is when Jose spent the entire one hour flight telling me I should really consider coming to Madrid with him. I wanted to. I wanted to dive in and say “yes, I’ll go with you!” But then that would be his story and not mine. And this whole trip has been about me and my story. I need to go my own way, find my own way, rely on myself, pave my own path. So now I’m sitting in Bangkok a few hours after saying bye to my Spanish man at the airport and I can’t stop thinking about him. But as a friend wisely just told me over facebook; it’s better to have experienced something that amazing than not have experienced it at all. I felt momentarily at ease. But for now, for the next little while, I think I’ll just let my mind drift off to thinking about Jose.

April 6, 2012 A lot has happened in 4 days. Jose and I have spoken via facebook and then over the phone. He told me he is in love with me. I was in shock when I read the message typed on facebook chat. I told him to call me ASAP. Hearing his voice over the line brought back the butterflies. He told me he had to see me. I was of course completely taken aback at his enthusiasm. Obviously I just linked this to his desire to just want to continue the over the top romance we had in Chiang Mai and a part of that is true but he really, sincerely wants to see me and be with me. Now I initially jump to my usual train of thought which is filled with cynicism and negativity so of course I start thinking he will be just like the men who have been temporarily infatuated with me in the past and then have it all sizzle out in a short while leaving me in a cloud of romantic dust. The thing is everyone has told me what relationships ought to be like and how you ‘should’ behave when things are just beginning but a relationship with Jose is proving to be exactly how I’ve always wanted a relationship to be – don’t hold yourself back, follow your heart and do and say only what feels right.

April 12, 2012 Hours spent on the phone with Jose, a very expensive phone bill for him, an overnight ship off the Island, confusion over my departure time, a missed flight, a night at a Bangkok airport hotel and a 13 hour flight to Madrid and I’m now in my lover’s arms.

April 14, 2014 I’m living a movie romance every day, it’s fabulous. I feel like a beautiful movie star in a black and white film. I’m drinking Spanish coffee everyday and eating tapas and roaming around the city hand in hand with an incredible man who I love...life is good. Yes I love him. I have fallen. I fell in love with Jose somewhere between the moment we met in Chiang Mai to the hours I spent talking to him while I was roaming the stunning Island of Koh Tao. There is just something about him. I see him and he sees me. It’s that simple. It is scary to know I have fallen in love with this man who is potentially all wrong for me. The 15 year age difference is only one aspect that I can see as a potential threat to our relationship. I remember wanting so badly to dismiss what I was feeling for Jose but I couldn’t. I was so torn between listening to my heart and following my mind. I chose my heart.

April 19th, 2012 It shouldn’t be work after only a week of being together should it? I can feel myself walking on egg shells around him the last few days. He has been so stressed about finding a place to live and writing his script and spending enough time with his kids that I just feel like i’m in the way. Did I make a mistake coming here? I can sense myself holding back. I don’t want to ask him the ‘wrong’ question or say something that will make him upset or worse, make him shut down. But really is that any way to be around a new love? No right? But what do I know; I’ve never been in love.

April 20, 2012 Toxic is a word that had popped into my head while we were talking the other day. I think we’re toxic for each other or at least Jose is toxic for me. We don’t make each other better people. We don’t inspire, uplift or encourage each other. We are solely trying to live together as if we have no choice but the truth is we both don’t want to face the fact that what we have, what we had, will eventually end. I can feel this invisible wall between us that neither of us can penetrate. I think it’s all our differences piled on top of one another; 15 years of life experience between us, our backgrounds, language and culture differences, where we are in our lives, our goals, dreams...I can feel the tension around Jose and I want to be able to brush it away but I’m not able to. It’s too thick and dark. I don’t know how to get back to the effortless comfort we had in Chiang Mai. I want to feel like I’m floating again as oppose to being trapped in the shadow of a dark cloud.

April 21, 2012 When people say love is blind do they mean you’re blinded by the other’s flaws? Do you put up with the hurt, confusion and anger just because all you see is that you love the person who is making you feel that way? I never asked to be in love and I’m in love and it’s not what I expected. I thought it would be fireworks and sunshine all the time and to be honest sometimes it is. But what happened to the Hollywood movie romance that was there in the beginning? Is it that my expectations are too high or is it that I’m trying too hard when we both know the cracks that have surfaced are just too deep to patch up? We’re worlds apart but at the same time when I look him in the eye I know we’re the same.

April 22, 2012 – 7:50am I’m leaving Madrid. It’s over. Tears are rolling down my cheeks as I stand in the security check point at Madrid’s airport. Jose blows me a kiss from afar and then he’s gone. I feel empty. All those initial thoughts and fears I had of having our relationship end so soon come flooding back. I feel lost but there’s a tinge of relief and this feeling surprises me. I feel as though a kind of heaviness I had been carrying on my shoulders has been lifted. I no longer have to worry about saying or doing the wrong thing because Jose would, as usual, misunderstand me – ‘Lost in Translation’ is no longer just a movie title to me; I totally get it. Jose and I are in different places in life. I’m on a self discovering journey around the world and have no 'real' responsibilities. He’s tied down to Madrid while I’m a free bird who doesn’t want to be caged up. But despite all this, I still want him, I still love him. 9:00am I get on a plane, see Madrid get smaller and smaller as we climb into the sky and I say a quiet good-bye to the beautiful city I never did appreciate. I rest my head back and let the tears fall.


April 22, 2012 – 9:10am I’m in London. I’m tired, confused and sad. I look around the airport arrivals and don’t see my sister. Did I tell her the right time and airport? But then I hear her voice and a little man’s, I turn around and spot her with my 3-year-old nephew, Adrian. A wide smile spreads across my face. I will be okay...for now.

April 23, 2012 The thing is I understand why it didn’t work. We had too many differences. But somehow I naively believed all we needed was love to make it work. I guess I’m more of a romantic than I thought. But despite our differences, I wanted it to work so badly. There were moments when I’d look at Jose and fill up with joy. I was so happy with him at times but then when things were bad, I felt terrible, worthless. What hurts the most is that I can’t stop thinking of the amazing moments we shared when I felt like I was on top of the world and all needed in life was Jose and his love. It’s painful to know it’s all over.

April 23, 2012 The past 2 and half weeks are a blur. I’ve been in 3 countries in less than 3 weeks- no wonder. I can still almost feel the Bangkok heat as I roamed Kao San road waiting for the next 24 hours to pass quickly so I could finally get on that flight to Madrid. How did I go from being ‘Independent Puja travelling on her own around South East Asia’ to ‘Puja in love and flying half way around the world to meet a man she had only spent 2 days with?’

May 05, 2012 It’s touch and go. Some days I wake up feeling refreshed and strong and others I wake up restless and flashes of times spent with Jose. They, the great relationship experts, say breaking up with a loved one is like grieving a death of a loved one. You go through all the stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I think I’m hovering somewhere between depression and acceptance. I’m numb about the relationship as I listen to ‘our song’, Blower’s Daughter by Damien Rice, and I’m not sure I have fully accepted that it’s really over.

May 08, 2012 We have facebook messaged and I know it’s not healthy for me. I tell myself, and others, that we can be friends, that it’s fine, that I’m getting over him but I think messaging him is making it that much more difficult to let him go. It’s too soon. I’ve already asked him the forbidden question: “Why didn’t it work?” In my defense, it was a particularly hard day. He of course didn’t know how to respond or perhaps didn’t want to hurt my feelings so didn’t respond. I was left checking my email every hour to make sure there wasn’t a message from Jose. I’ve become THAT girl: The woman who has regressed to being a teenage. Jose finally messaged back saying it was all too much at once. Between his kids, his ex, finding work, finding a home, our age and culture differences , he didn’t know how to cope with it all – well he didn’t use the word ‘cope’ that’s my word. I feel like an idiot. How could I have let my head float in the clouds? I should have seen all this before I jumped on a plane to fly half way around the world. Actually why didn't he think of all this before hand? 

May 11, 2012 I fell asleep thinking of Jose and I wake up seeing his face. Ugh, seriously when I am going to stop thinking about this man!

May 14, 2012 I’m happy to report I’m making progress. I only think of him 30% of the time as oppose to 80!

May 17, 2012 I found a slip of paper in my wallet today that describes my future for the next 5 years according to Jose. We are to adopt two children by the end of 2013; 2014 we will adopt one child- either Spanish, Indian or Canadian; 2015 we’ll adopt another two ; 2016 one child from Spain, India or Canada; 2017 we’ll adopt two more. We’d have adopted 8 in total and including Jose’s 3 we would have a total of 11 children; Jose’s favourite number. I remember him jotting this all down on a scrap paper while we were sitting in a cute little cafe in Chiang Mai. It was warm out. I felt great but was also beginning to realize I wasn’t ready to say good-bye to this crazy Spanish.

Jose's life plan for us - signed by both of us

I watched him eat his sandwich as I sipped my coffee and wondered if the last couple of days had just been a dream because they sure as hell felt like it. It was an effort not to jump across the table and kiss him as he spoke of ‘our’ future. I laughed off his silliness but deep down I wanted part of it to be true; the part where we’d be together for at least 5 years, sharing our lives. I wanted this man to be mine but I knew it wasn’t going to happen. ‘This is only an amazing fling, Puja. You’ll have a great story to tell your friends in less than 24 hours once it’s over.’ is what I kept telling myself, what I HAD to keep telling myself to keep sane. I knew even then, we were just too different. We are two different creatures from two very different worlds who had come together under unusual circumstances and in the beauty and serenity of Chiang Mai the nuttiness of it all made sense but how could it work in the real world? I know the answer to that one. So I’m not sure why I took a picture of the slip of paper and emailed it to him with the subject line reading ‘What I found in my wallet the other day’ I gave in under a vulnerable moment and I know now I should never have sent that email. What kind of response was I expecting? Did I want him to say he still thinks about me and misses me every day and wants me back? Well yes that would be great actually, or would it? But I know, I sooooo know that is not going to happen now or in the near future or even in the future, future. Again, a pathetic attempt to get something from him so that I don’t feel like what we shared has been just tossed away.

May 18, 2012 It’s 2:15am here in London and I’m awake with thoughts of him, AGAIN!

May 21, 2012 Screw love. I’m so over it. Never do I ever want to fall in love again. There’s a reason they call it FALL in love. The ‘falling’ implies a negative connotation. Not fun.

May 23, 2012 I will never, ever forget the moments we shared in Chiang Mai and Madrid when we were both just so gaga over each other. I’ll never forget lying on the beach in Koh Toa, thinking of Jose and grinning. I’ll never forget my hand wrapped in his. I’ll never forget looking into his eyes and seing the passion I felt mirrored right back at me. I miss him and I know I will for a long time coming. I carry him in my heart.