It's Real

Sometime in early December, 2020

He got worse quickly. We had no idea what was going on as he became weaker and weaker. 

Why'd it stop and where'd it go? He was that for me these past few years. Whilst he withered away unbeknownst to all, he was my background sound that was just always there. Never paid it too much attention until it got really quiet and by then it was almost too late.  

Dec. 30, 2020

Now I wonder, what now? I want to walk outside of my bedroom door look to the left and see him in his black office chair. I wanna say good morning Pop. He'd ask me, whilst sipping his cup of chai, 'are you going anywhere today?' and I'd say yes or no and it didn't matter, or so we thought. But maybe I mattered to him like he mattered to me- he was there, I was there, and if he wasn't, if I wasn't, I'd be back... he'd be back.     

Jan. 2, 2021

As I watch my Dad fade away, I see my mom fade into him. I don't know what's more devastating - watching him slowly die, my foundation of life deteriorate, or seeing my Mom's bubbly, joyful nature slide away. I want nothing more to call '92 back when we were a family of six, vibrant, busy, enjoying each others company. What I would do with a moment from those years. 

Now I hold onto each minute like it may be the last. Because one will be.  

Jan. 3, 2021

What matters...the slow rise and fall of his chest, his eyes meeting mine when I call him Papa, his heavy breathing, wiping the water from the sides of his eyes, putting the straw gently in his mouth when he needs a sip, feeding him a banana, feeding him anything, massaging his feet, hands, arms, telling him to feel his body and talk to the cancer. 

What matters now are his wishes, his desires, the life he is, the one life we all are...it's ALL that ever really matters. 

Sometime in December I think...

In the end...no not just ‘in the end’...but always, as long as...eternity, it’s been about you and your soul, you and God, you and your higher self. In the beginning, in the end and in between the only relationship that has ever matter was the one you had with yourself...the one self.

January 13th, 2021

Its 5:14am. I sit on the recliner-chair in my dad’s room in the palliative care unit at the Ottawa hospital. His snoring is louder than the vent blowing warm air into the room. I grew up with this snoring. When we were younger my sisters and I joked that it seemed like my Mom and Pop were in a snoring competition at night. One trying to out do the other as we couldn’t help but hear from outside their bedroom doors. And now...now I listen carefully to each inhale and exhale like I’m on a little journey with him. It’s strange how the proximity of death can do that. It can make you crave to hear another loud snore. Something you thought you’d never miss. And you pray...just one more, one more, another, just one more please...please keep them coming God. Please.

January 18, 2020

Things I say to myself: there’s always a reason to smile

• Breathe in each moment (it may be his last)

• Be here. Be fully here

• Right now THIS is my purpose- HE is my purpose