RECENT PICS OF THE ASHRAM

The World Temple under construction with view of the 'OM' room in the distance

Current meditation hall

One of my favourite signs

A beautiful rainbow

REFLECTIONS

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August 23

My home - my room's on the 2nd floor

How do I begin to explain my experience here at the Ashram thus far? There’s really no NEED for explanations but when my parents ask me why I’m still at the Ashram and ‘what is it about it you like so much?’ I’m at loss for the accurate words that describe exactly what I’m feeling, going through. Would they understand if I said that it feels like my whole life has been preparing me for this moment, this place? That my soul has never felt so at peace, so calm, connected? That I finally, after 16 years of self-loathing, love being alive? I’m not sure they understand when I tell them I’m healing. I’m not sure even I can intellectually make sense of some of the experiences I’m having here. And that’s just it – what I’m going through here can’t be reduced to a logical thought. I feel like the part of me that always felt like something was missing , that big hole inside me, is now being filled, with the Divine’s energy – my source. My consciousness is growing and I’m just beginning to understand that all my preconceived notions and learnt ideals about how life works were laden with ignorant knowledge. I’m learning a little more truth about life and myself every day. The old me – negative, sceptical, cynical, judgmental – is withering away and the hopeful, idealistic, positive child I used to be is awakening. My eyes are finally opening and I believe in things of magic and miracles. In fact they are truths, not silly little ideals only children believe in. What seemed impossible before is only a possibility waiting to manifest.  The truth is so vast and can’t be understood by the human mind; however, what we can understand is that there’s a greater plan and only by listening to your soul will you be guided towards your own truth which in return will feed the whole system. 

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CLARITY

CLARITY

I was born the day I died

Darkness ceased to exist

Shadows that would haunt have retreated

Now only light surrounds me

My vision is illuminated by the vibrant colours of the rainbow

No longer do I hear the screeches of criticisms

Now only beautiful symphonies echo through my viens

Love was a roller coaster I so desperately wanted a ride on

Now I am love

I am no longer confined by perceptions of who I ought to be

My world is limitless and boundless

What may have seemed impossible is a dream waiting to manifest

The physical differences between nature, animals and humans

Are just a variety of expressions of the same one truth

I take comfort in knowing my true self recedes deep within

The Divine consciousness – beautiful and perfect

RANDOM JOURNAL ENTRIES

Nov. 18, 2011 – Korean airport

                What is it about the North American culture that instills a sense of questioning or perhaps you can call it lack of faith where we are always comparing, judging and doubting ourselves? 

Around November 20^th in Siem Reap, Cambodia

So I did it. I quit my job as a producer for a political show with a news organization to volunteer and travel around the world which basically I’m hoping will lead to a sense of self. I laughed when people compared my journey around the world to Elizabeth Gilbert; author of the famed Eat, Pray, Love movie starring Julia Roberts. But the truth is as I sit at a restaurant in Siem Reap’s ‘downtown’, I realize that the reason I left home was to achieve more or less the same thing as Gilbert: figure out my life. 

Feb. 16, 2012 – Kep, Cambodia

                David’s Grey Babylon is playing while I sit at Breezes restaurant looking out into the sea. It’s a strange feeling having a song take you back to a certain time and place with a certain emotional feelings attached to it. I wasn’t in the best mental place when this song was a staple on my music player back in 2002 when I was living in Vancouver. I’m in such a different place 9 years later. I want to hold onto this peace and tranquility I feel.

Feb 19, 2012 – Bangkok

                It could be any metropolitan city really. I’m taxing around the city looking out to the streets. If someone were to tell me I was in San Francisco or New Delhi, I would have believed them. The only thing that gives it away really is the Thai writing on the signs I see. You’ve got 7 Eleven shops everywhere, pink taxis, tuk tuks, KFC and McDonalds, global banks and then in original Thai style I spot a bank called Cartoon. Yeah that doesn’t really generate feelings of monetary security. Even the tourists vary incredibly. You have your average hippie; long dreads and beards wearing only recycled scraps, long term vacationers, ex-pats, short term tourists, etc...You got ever culture imaginable. It’s one of those places where you can never keep up. Things move fast and everyone’s running to keep up.

Feb 21, 2012- Vientiane, Laos

                A wine bar playing jazz music is exactly what I was in the mood for tonight however I must say I did not expect to find this hidden spot in the middle of Vientiane. I love how places and people continue to surprise me. I sort of feel like I’m in a sophisticated lounge in Upper East Side, New York.  The major differences being I’m the only one in this place and my glass of chardonnay only costs me $4. 

August 13, 2012 - Raiwala, India

Reading this stuff back is so interesting. I'm in such a different state of mind now. I'm evolving...that's the only way I know how to describe it right now. If you've ever read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne or The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield, well that is similar to what I'm learning and experiencing here at the ashram. 

MORE RANDOM TRAVEL ENTRIES TO COME...

ASHRAM CONTINUED

So while I've been staying at the ashram, I've had the opportunity to play with the children who come here during the week for school. The teachers and the children are picked up by the Ashram's yellow school bus from around the village and brought here to learn and play. It's so fun and fulfilling to play with them and teach them whatever I can. Swamiji has also given me the opportunity to play and try to teach some of the workers' kids. There is a new building being built here and the workers have come from smaller villages and so the kids have never been to school and don't know basics like counting to 10 in Hindi. I'm doing what I can. Meanwhile, my camera is barely working any more and I think it's going to die on my pretty soon however I've managed to snap a few more pics of this place. 

View from my room of the dinning Hall and school bus below

My room

Dinning are

One of the newer buildings where I was staying before I
moved out of the AC room 

MORE OF WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ME:

July 9

I thought I was making progress and today I feel like I’m back at square one. I know my mind is working it’s old tricks on me. The feeling of disappointment is settling in and it’s hard to silence it. But I’m trying and I’m just going on what Swamaji says: trust in yourself and have some willpower. I will surrender myself to the divine, gosh darn it I will!!!!

July 10

I felt something real today. I sensed that I was before and I will be after this life: After my body finishes. I was here before; here on Earth. I saw blue today, well I always see an electric blue energy but I also saw a flash of green. After dinner Swamiji called me over to chat. He gave some more advice, as he always does when I need it – I think he can just sense it. I asked him what green represented in The Mother’s wheel and he said transformation. It’s true, I’m going through a major transformation and it’s beautiful.

July 11

A little closer to reaching clarity.

July 12

My ego is hurt. My mind won’t allow me to go deeper into myself. Swamiji told me to closely protect my atama (soul). I’m trying.  

July 13

Swamiji called me over today and told me not to worry about the thoughts I have been having: about my money running out. I then asked him if he can just sense what I’m feeling. He gave it to me straight. He said sometimes when someone walks by he can sense their energy and their mind displays in front of him like a movie and sometimes he sees flashes like lightening. So cool. 

July 15, (Typed using the Ahsram's computer on July 22)
I was in the middle of updating my blog this afternoon when my computer crashed. All of a sudden I get a message that Windows has stopped working and then when I go to restart my computer I get a technical message that I don't understand but basically saying my computer is facing a problem and won't start-up. Ugh, so frustrating. Then I remember: I need to learn from this and then I get the message; Stop using the computer! For days now there hasn't been any wifi access and the other day, Deana (the receptionist/yoga asana teacher) told me that wifi access has been low ever since I came. I haven't been listening to the message from The Mother (aka The Universe) who has been preventing me from using the net so she had to take drastic measures. Silly how I was so frustrated at first. I mean it's only a machine and if I need to buy a new one and if the need is really great, I'll be able to afford it. For now I'm just grateful that I have eyes I can see with and a hand that can still jot down my thoughts the old fashioned way - pen to paper. 

July 17, (After a 2 hour meditation session)
Nothing in life is really what it seems. There's something so much more important than what meets the eye. Everything I used to think was important or mattered, doesn't. My priorities are shifting. My whole perspective is changing. I am so much more than what I may represent. 

July 18, 
I am all; love, beauty, nature, forces, music, movement, earth, sky, bliss. Puja with her strong vital and mental nature is gone. I am the master now and the vital, mind and physical will obey me. They will manifest only the Divine. I need to express. 

AUROVALLEY ASHRAM

Link to Aurovalley Ashram


June 26th 
It’s been a day and half and I’m already at peace. As soon as I walked in the front gates I knew this was the place for me. And when I met Swami Brahmdev that feeling was validated. He has this aura about him. It’s like he’s so at peace with himself and the world that the wisdom he has gained radiates off of him. 

Swamiji told me to follow him one evening. He was going to show me the 'labratory'. He was a few steps ahead of me and with his flowing white gown, flip flops and his mid length grey hair slicked back, I could have sworn it was God himself. I was told to repeat 'Om' in this large circular room where the sound echos and radiates back to you. You can feel your own vibrations in this place. Anyhow I chanted for about 5 minutes and somethign happened. I can't even describe what it was but I felt something greater than myself. Swamiji was waiting for me outside and he knew I felt something without me having to say anything. He suggested I come to this room as much as possible. He told me it will help me. It has. 

The Mother's symbol which I was repainting - she is one of
the philosophers/gurus who inspired this ashram

June 29^th
This is the first day I try to meditate without my ego. After about what felt like 20 minutes of counting my breath, I felt a sudden strong energy fill me. It was thick and heavy like solid mercury filling me up. I was sitting with God. We were talking and it wasn't really with words, or maybe mine were but Her answers to my questions came in feelings and just assurances in myself. I think I always knew it was in me. She would speak to me quietly and then at times much more loudly. But my mind and ego were strong. They wanted to rebel and not listen to that feeling. 

July 3, 2012

I always wanted to express myself through acting and writing. I think when I was really young about 5 or 6, I wanted to just act and then as I got older I wanted my acting to be seen by many so that I could be admired, justified. Little did I know that I didn’t have to do anything to justify my existence. The innocence of who I am has been painted over many times through my life and now I’m trying hard to scrap it all off to see what lies underneath.

July 4

I saw God today and I don’t mean I saw nature and saw God in a matter form. I mean I actually saw what God is while meditating. It was so strange. I have been asking myself the ‘big question’ ever since I was 14 – what is God and why does this universe exist? Well I only got an answer to the first question. So today during meditation I had my eyes closed and began counting my breaths, as usual, while visualizing an Om in space. I asked God to show herself to me. I told The Divine that when I got to 100 breaths, to reveal the truth of what we all call God is. I couldn’t handle it. It was like this massive, huge, enormous, vast, strong, all encompassing supernova type of light. It felt like my brain was going to explode and I had to open my eyes before it really did. I couldn’t sit in the meditation hall any more. I had to leave. I had no idea what had just happened. I don’t know if my own mind was playing tricks on me and I had only imagined what I saw, felt or if it was the Truth. So I went to the laboratory to connect with The Divine to get clarification. I told her I was going to stay there and chant Om until I got an answer. I got one. I wasn't going to get the answer I wanted. I wasn't going to get a clear cut answer. But then again, God never promised me a clear cut answer, she just promised me an answer. The Divine is so vast and the reasons she created this game is something humans will never know nor perhaps need to know in order to play the game. I do know that if I keep going after the impossible questions, I’m going to miss out on the Diviness around me. I’m not going to be able to manifest my true self and that’s the reason I’m here on Earth. 

The dinning hall 

July 6

My mind is so powerful. It’s judging and arguing and fighting. It doesn’t want to be silenced. It’s behaving like it usually does telling me I can’t do it. That it’s not possible for me to find my true self. I just have to trust in what I felt a couple of days ago but I’m wavering so I’m going to put my trust in Swamiji who told me to keep courage and keep on.

It’s very strange and more than a coincidence that ever day when i’m going through whatever block or whatever I’m feeling, Swamiji will come over and give me advice that keeps me having faith. He knows what I’m thinking without me saying a word. I don’t get it but then again there are so many things going on within and around me that i don’t understand lately.


TO BE CONTINUED...

A POEM INSPIRED BY MY STAY AT THE ASHRAM

Mango Tree

My seed was planted far beneath the ground

With my roots firmly supported by the Earth around

I have a strong foundation so I’m not easily shaken

My core is solid so don’t be mistaken

My branches stretch out in the open air

Which gives my leaves space to grow and repair

The sun smiles down on me during the day

I say thanks; for without her I would not be here today

I’m blessed when the clouds sprinkle me with love

I know the rain is special because it comes from above

I have many small friends who like to stop by

I enjoy their time before they have to go back into the sky

I never shed a tear for the ones who have gone

For I know there will be more who will come along

The fruits of my labour dangle off my arms

Handing out mangos is just one of my charms

I enjoy the gentle breeze of the wind

Its rhythm makes me dance and sing

But sometimes the wind brings along a thunder storm

And some of my branches break off and my leaves are torn

I never fear its violent behaviour

Because I know God has a reason which is far greater

I am unique and there is no other tree just like me

So please don’t be envious because we all have our own destiny.