Grieving

If you’ve ever lost someone you love: 

Grieving happens very much alone. I say I’m okay and yeah most of the time I am, I guess. I’m at peace with the way he passed and how it all went down the last few months. But...but there are moments when I’m very much alone when I see his empty office chair in the evening or I don’t hear his online poker game or a classic Bollywood film blaring on his laptop, that it hits me all over again like a fucking boulder. He’s gone to a place I have no access to. He left everything behind and poof like magic he quietly slipped away when no one was aware. I talk to him like he’s still here. I say good morning and goodnight and I swear I can still hear his ‘goodnight beta’ every time I shut my bedroom door. Life goes on, it keeps moving and I’m scared of the ‘getting back to normal.’ I hate that word, I mean what’s normal?! A part of me died when he did and it had to. So I grieve not only my father but that part of me that is no longer his baby daughter. I’m finally realizing at a deeper level what it means to accept life, allow life, knowing that life just is. So I have hope. Hope that in all this pain I’m able to see and feel the beauty of it all.