Reality Is Shit

Jan. 29, 2021

Geet and mom are gone to funeral home to do the payment and work out the business about the ashes. I’m alone at home. I hate the quiet.

I think...now what?

Jan. 30, 2021

The mornings are still hard. I slowly come to it and before I can even pull myself out of bed  it hits me like a boulder. Damn it, it's not a nightmare. Reality is shit. 

Feb. 2, 2021

I have no idea what i'm doing anymore. My purpose is gone. I waste my days. I do one chore and make it last so long just so I can fill the time. I can do so much with the time I have but I don't feel like doing anything. 

Feb. 5, 2021

It's a hard day today. Strangely enough I hear from Geet and it's a tough for her too. She uses the word unreal. It is. It happened too fast. Still feels like I'm going to see him walking down at about 10:30am to grab his glasses and go to the bathroom and say good morning to me whilst I'm in the kitchen baking something. And then I swear he's sitting up in his office chair watching CNN and the latest Covid news. 

I get that his body is gone. I get that the body just stopped cause it was too sick but where did HE go? Sure his brain stopped but did HE stop too? Every fibre of my being tells me HE didn't die. He's in another realm. He's part of reality still. I just wish he was part of my reality still. 

Feb. 6, 2021 8:28am

Pop yes i'm sad but it's okay cause I know you're here, you're there (in a picture of you and Ariya on the calendar), you're there (by the kettle making chai), you're....everywhere. And then it hits me that this is more true than I know it to be. My heart swells and I never knew I had so much love for you. I'm just sorry I never told you or showed you more often. I wish you knew. I hope you know now. 

Feb. 9th 

I wake up but I don’t really care to. I wake up cause of mom. She’s my purpose now. 

Feb. 11th

It’s going back to normal and I don’t want it to. I don’t wanna be normal. I’m not fucking normal. Nothing about this feels normal. Yet I brush my teeth, take a shower, clean the house, watch movies with my mom. It’s all so normal like it used to be but there’s a huge hole- A hole in the fabric of my life and that tear is susceptible to the slightest tug that I’m afraid at any moment I may just unravel. Yet I brush my teeth, put on my PJs, turn out the lights, say goodnight to Papa and close my teary eyes. 

The last coherent thing he said to me that I will never forget is- when he asked for a cigarette, the morning of, I had my usual eye-roll complaint telling him he needs to 'get the hint and quit smoking.' (even though I knew it wouldn't make a difference now) He stops me and says ‘ I love you beta but don’t do this right now.’ I huff and say fine and bring him his last cigarette.