Computer Hate

So I had just typed up this brilliant post, or at least I thought it was, and since I hadn't typed anything onto my blogpage for a while when I went to hit publish, the computer went to the sign on page and I lost my entire blog!! Not that it was a long post but arrrgggggggg...................... this is why I HATE COMPUTERS. Maybe they secretly know I hate them and do shit just to piss me off!!! That's right computers I HATE YOU!!!!
Anyway my original blog was about how I had seen Julie&Julia and how I could relate because I am turning 30 next year and I feel lost. I have no idea what my 5 year plan is. Maybe I should take up a new project and set a deadline and then I'll have something to work towards. ugh, I don't know. Why can't my life just be Hollywood film where things just happen and work out. I just want to sit back and watch life happen. Maybe that's my problem because isn't there a saying that suggests to do the opposite of that?
All I know is that I have no plan. I have no plans for my future, I have no idea if I should be a unsuccessful actress anymore or if I should just quit life and join the fucking circus!!
READ THE POST BELOW - THAT'S NOT THE BRILLIANT PART

Some of the original post

I saw Julie&Julia last night since I felt too ill to make it out to the movie theatre. Ugh finally getting well, slowly I might add. It was a cute movie and one I could easily relate to. I'm 29 and next year I'll be 30 and there's definately a crisis happening here. I just don't know what path I'm on and where I want to go. Every direction seems so clouded and difficult. I wish there were a clear signal pointing to the direction that would best suit me. You know one of those neon signs with a finger pointing in one direction. Life would be so much easier and brighter I might add;)

The wall is almost done!

Not a Memo or Mission Statement

This is like a Jerry McGuire moment where he wakes up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night and writes out a whole memo - I mean mission statement. Except it's early morning and I'm not inspired to write a long life memo; however, I do feel like I need to define what I want out of life. The looming question is what do I want my life to mean? what do I want people to say at my funeral or does that even matter to me? I guess being known as a kind and loving soul is enough and for those whom I did touch or inspire, would have reaped the benefits, so I don't need to live my life for praise and credit posthumously. Maybe what I want is a little bit of everything: acting, reporting, engaging in philanthropic work...where's the clarity here? It's 5:23am on Wednesday morning and my eyes are droopy with sleep but my mind is buzzing with endless questions. Perhaps what matters most is to follow my heart. I've claimed to have done so so far in my life but does that equal happiness? But then again have I been searching for happiness all this time or a quantitative measure of what it takes to achieve happiness? Hmmm.....oh the questions.
India...a little street girl playing in a dangerous construction site but with a big smile on her face...crying street babies with not so much as a few drops a water a day...a severely malnourished cow roaming the streets because unfortunately for him, he's considered sacred and therefore won't be put out of his misery. The gesture of a few crackers to some street kids and in return I get a feeling of wholeness. Maybe that's the answer???

Crossroads

Which path to take? One has a definite clear route and maps out the next 7-10 years of my life. The other...it's not so clear. It's the path that I'm currently on. However, if I don't choose path #1, I can't carry on the way I have been. That at least is for sure. All I know is that something must change.
What ever happened to simplicity?

What it can do

It's strange how time, perception and frame of mind can really change your vision...
what to make of where I am...I guess I don't make much of it because if I did I wouldn't be here pondering this question.
If I were a colour, like if I was assigned a colour, I think I am a green. A mix of dark and light. Sometimes the shade veers towards the forest shade and at other times it's the colour of fresh leaves.

Love

Have I ever been in love? I don't know. Maybe I mean I thought I was at one point but is it love if you can fall out of it? sometimes I feel like the questions are endless like streaming in like a waterfall, it's hard to keep track. I have so many questions about life, my life, my vision, my dreams, my purpose. Is there a definite answer or will there always just be wondering?? Perhaps all these questions will lead to somewhere or they will lead nowhere and just spin around like a merigoround.

My palm tree

You may notice this finished palm tree is a bit odd looking. I never said I was a professional painter. I still get that beachy feeling and that's all that matters. Yes, yes it does!

Luck

I wonder about luck. Being in the right place at the right time or the wrong place at the wrong time. What determines some to get a lucky break and others not? Maybe it's just as random as getting hit by a truck and dying. I doubt it's based on being chosen by the 'almighty' but then who knows. I'm also becoming increasingly frustrated by the fact that I'm not reaching my potential. I'm not really doing what I need to do in life. I'm not helping anyone, not saving anyone, not educating anyone...I'm just a part of the machine.

My beach wall

Start from the bottom and scroll up. I'm surprised at how far it's come and I'm not even done!

wondering

I've made no risks since my last blog. Maybe that will be my new years resolution; To take risks and just go for it. Maybe I'll do the L.A. thing next year instead of 2011. I mean it's not like I'll be better prepared in 2011 than I am now. I can't wait to see my new headshots. I wonder if it'll make a difference.
You know what I like about blogs, you can say and write whatever you like in any way you like. You don't have to be grammatically correct. Love it.
I got nothing today

NO TITLE

I just finished watching My Sister's Keeper. It was good. The book was better but then again they always are. But they did a good job making it into a film. It was sad, I cried.
I've started on the palm trees. I've almost completed one whole tree! So exciting. My sister came over the other day and she said it looked professional! Yah! I'm not the amateur I thought I was. My place is feeling more and more homey.
So last night when I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep, I wondered, if I were to die today and I could look back on my life and do things differently, what would I change. After moments of pondering this question I realized I would have been fearless. I've realized I've lived most of my life making decisions based on my fears. Fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of making a mistake. And now, knowing that most likely I'll live a while, do I really take this information and take the risks I've wanted to for so long or do I just keeping living, the way I always have?

Argggggggggggg

Jealousy, sadness, anger, frustration, loneliness, stubbornness, fear...life. Arg...I hate life sometimes. I really do. It's never easy is it.

?

It's quarter to 2am on Monday November 16th. I'm really tired but don't want to shut eye just yet. I had a very hectic day at work today but fulfilling. I'm glad I booked a chat on Burma. I'm realizing I can push for issues if I pitch the idea well. Being 'the media' makes you wonder where you belong is this information feeding machine. I mean am I really responsible or is it the powers above who are to blame for media frenzy??

Crisis?....I think not

I find that I'm so angry lately. I think it's a 1/3 life crisis or maybe I'm just cranky right now because everywhere I look it's a reminder of what I don't have. And as I write this I realize how selfish I must sound. I mean here I am sitting in an apartment in downtown Toronto with everything i need. I've got a hot cup of tea next to me and a fridge full of food. Ok so maybe not full but I've got food but I'm complaining about what i don't have?! Arg....see and this is why I don't' like myself sometimes. I have so much to be happy for yet I'm longing for the dream.....

Dating

Ok so I've mentioned I'm 29 and so I'm no longer considered 'still young enough.' It's almost as if hitting 30 and still being single is a curse put on you by Satan's ugly female cousin singletan because everyone around you is trying to set you up or giving you advice on how to meet men. Considering I have been single for a while now I'm totally open to it but the problem is I'm still not meeting men I like! It really makes you wonder if you'll be single forever but you must push that thought out of your head because 'negative thinking will get you nowhere.'
So I think I'll take matters into my own hands and begin to alter a few things in my life such as the grocery store I shop at and going to blockbuster instead of renting from the convenience store next to my place. Maybe if I 'change it up' I'll meet someone or maybe I'll just be inconvenienced and go back to my old ways. Only one way to find out.

Just Another Day

I celebrated my 29th birthday on Oct. 15th. My sweet mom made me a cake out of carrots and no wheat is was great. Got to go to Ottawa and see the rest of the family. Nice times. Jesus I can't believe I'm a year away from 30. The thought sure does scare me. I have no plan. Must come up with at plan. I feel like the last 10 years have just gone by in a flash. I still don't have money and no solid plan. Ahhhhhh......I'm drowning! I've been working a lot more which is good for the bank but I'm going a little insane. I NEED acting! There is no acting. How do you live? I mean how are other 29 year olds so on track? I don't want to be 35 with no car living in a bachelor apartment. OK panic attack, breath Puja, breath........

I feel fat again

I'm stressing about my weight lately which means there's something else going on. Maybe it's the lack of control I feel I have in my life right now. I'm working a lot more these days at CTV but no acting. Maybe that's just it. I need my fix- acting.
I'm listening to U2's 'Babyface off their Zooropa album which is not one of my favourites but it's U2 so it's better than 90% of the music out there.

Beat The Bank

I can never get through! It's 3:08pm and I have 2 minutes until the 25th caller gets chosen for the chance to win half a million dollars playing Beat the Bank by Chum FM. argggg.....

My 3 year plan

In theory 3 years is not a really long time but when you break it down into months and weeks you really begin to appreciate the power of a day. Ok so let's start from Jan 2010 and go to the end of 2012.

2010: ....... fill in later
2011: .......fill in later
2012: .......fill in later

......not a good sign Puja, not a good sign at all!!!!!!

I think I'm getting better at this :)

It's only been what three days and I'm back here writing! Good for me :)
I haven't worked on the palm trees yet but I started this design on my wall by my door and it's got a quote by Anais Nin. I'm almost done painting it. My parents are gonna see my place and go "Where did we go wrong with this child?"

I don't know about this whole blog thing....

So it's been a month since my last posting, ok so not a month exactly, and I'm beginning to wonder why I even have a blog. I mean I hardly post anything. Anyway the beach is almost done, just the palm trees left and that's the hardest part. I've been so busy with work this week I haven't had a chance to work on the wall but I'm really grateful for the extra shifts. I NEED the money.
How long am I going to do this for? You know the whole living on basics because I'm pursuing my acting dream? It's frustrating when I see others out there who are getting casted when I KNOW my acting is better than theirs! Is there room for me in this acting world? What is it about me that is not castable? Arg....How long do I do this for? Until I'm old and wrinkly? Hmmmmmmmmmm........Anyone have an answer?????? Hello? Anyone even out there??????? God?????? hehehe

My little paradise

So I am painting a beautiful beach with palm trees on my wall. It is absolutely fantastic. I figure, I can't afford to go to a wonderful hot island so why not bring the beach to me:) I can't wait till it's done and I can wake up every morning to a beautiful setting. I gotta do more stuff like this. Enjoy the arts without trying to make it so perfect. I'm painting and although I'm sure it looks really amateur, who the hell cares!!

Self-Love

Where does self love begin? According to John welwood (mentioned in previous blog) it begins with awareness of your longing for love from the 'outside'. I have always thought I was born without the gene that connects you to self love but now I realize I was born just like everyone else. What happened is that slowly my self worth began chipping away and I don't know exactly why. I remember always trying. Trying to be better like her, try to do it like her, try to look like her, try to act like her and maybe you'll finally be enough. I never felt enough just as I was. Not enough to be really wanted, really liked, really loved. I've been running away from anything that makes me who I am because if I get far enough away from my core and if I keep trying to be better, I'll be happy. I've been travelling in the wrong direction this whole time. Instead of connecting to my own heart and uniqueness, I've been trying to connect to the outside. Trying to connect with exercising, eating right, reading books to make myself more intelligent, meditation, people...I am not doing the thing I need to most which is connect with ME. How do I do this??
When I close my eyes and feel what I long for, it's a feeling of wanting to feel like I am enough and without this feeling it's like there's this big empty cavity in the middle of my heart. And this is what I've tried to fill with things and people from the outside. So now what? After this realization? How do I begin feeling enough? Giving myself the love that I am looking for others to provide? How do I love myself ??????

Not good at blogging

seriously I am not much of blogger but yet I have a blog. Why do we feel the need to share to the world our deepest and most inner thoughts? I mean why on facebook do we all feel the need to update our status. I mean who gives a shit? I don't know. Maybe someone gives a shit or we are so desperately hoping someone gives a shit. I fall into that category. I am desperately searching for someone to give a shit. Hoping someone will contact me and say 'Wow you're an amazing human.' Why can I not feel that on my own? I am trying though. Must give myself credit for trying. I'm half way through yet another self-help book called Perfect Love;Imperfect Relationships by John Welwood. It's all about loving yourself. I guess I gotta do the exercises before I start loving myself. However I am in a much better position now than I was years ago, actually even last year. I am not gonna let the darkness eat me up again. Nope, never again.

My very first blog :)

I've always been a journal keeper and for reasons I am not yet aware of, I've decided to share my thoughts with the world. Why is it that our society is so eager to inform the world of their every move. I mean look at Facebook and Twitter and other social networking sites. It's crazy. Maybe it's because we are seeking acceptance and aknowledgment. Who bloody knows. I'm apart of this bizarre world.